everything i wanted- DNF Fanfiction

~ Kiss Goodnight ~

"You should come out more often, Clay. You are a lot cooler than you look." Clay tilted his head with a laugh, "I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks for the ride." He opened his door and climbed out, George following close behind. They stopped at his front door, hand in hand.

"I had a good time tonight." George smiled as he absentmindedly toyed with Clay's fingers. "Just good?" Clay teased with a smile. "It was amazing." George leaned up and kissed him, tracing a hand up his arm and wrapping it around his neck. Clay smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arm around George's waist, kissing him back until he slowly pulled away. "I'd invite you up but I think your friends have other plans."

George giggled quietly, "Yeah..." Clay gave him one last kiss before letting go of his hand and waist. "See you Monday?" George hummed in agreement, "If I can wait that long." He traced a finger down Clay's chest before he walked away.

He finally understood the meaning of the phrase "Hate to see her leave but love to watch her walk away." With a change of pronouns of course. He ran a hand through his hair as he watched the car drive away, walking inside with a satisfied sigh. As much as he'd love to face-plant into his bed, he needed to cleanse himself of the smell of alcohol, sweat, and... other substances.

After his shower, he opened his closet. He had the box of the Polaroid pictures he didn't have time to properly store away in hand as he opened up his secret little cubby. Clay carefully pinned the pictures to his board, standing back to admire his work. He leaned against the doorframe, drumming his fingers against his forearm as he thought.

Clay turned to grab the journal on his desk, unlocking the simple mechanism with the key around his neck. He sat on his bed, ready to write.

But he couldn't think of anything. He wanted to write about tonight but didn't want to ruin anything by overthinking. So Clay flipped through the pages, reading his past entries.

Oct 5
"I guess I want you more than I thought I did. Now that I know that part of you's at home with him."

Him. It's kind of rushing me now. It... kind of hurts. I'm not sure if the lack of food intake is because of Tommy drifting or the fear that you might as well. Maybe both. Fuck, it hurts. I know it does. I can't feel it anymore but I know it does.

Who even is he? I want to ask but something holds me back. I don't know why. Or what. I like the song. So I'll listen to it, a pang to the heart at every beat drop. Every new line and lyric. Every time I hit shuffle. Every time I ignore the previous action and change it to repeat. Just the one song.

Oct 6
I wonder if we ever overthink each other at the same time. Sat in comfortable silence. Wishing the other would speak up.

I want you. More than I ever wanted... them. God, both of you left my heart alone. Wrong. Late. The only two people I've ever truly loved and they both move on. Well, they move forward. There was nothing to move on from. There was nothing. Only in my mind. I miss you. I miss us. You feel so fucking far away.

Except today. Today you feel close.

You feel old. You feel here. You seem there. You. Here. There. Want. So many thoughts and barely any get to paper. Barely any reach the pencil. Barely any reach you. None of them... reach you. I want them to.

Are we sunflowers in the rain? Maybe I'm looking into it too much. I want to dive, dwell in the things I think about when they come to mind. Should I tell them about you? My little Pandora's box of secrets. Do I really want that? Don't copy paste, don't copy paste. I literally got nothing done in class lol.

Oct 9
"All I want"

What? What is it? Say it. Say what I'm thinking. Save me the breath and energy and the ache.