Pain in my ass!!!

Just one thing before I fall..

Maia's prov... I was shocked by Buck's offer. I didn't know what to say and had no idea what to say about him not wanting me to be here if Paul ever came back, but that was the plan to end it here. If he wants me, he's going to have to come back here and finish what he started, but this time you bet your ass I am going to fight back and be free of him, and if that means ending him, then so be it if he wants me dead so bad then he's going to have to fight it out. I am ready for this to be over and done, move on with my life, and try to get more out of it than death, pain, and sadness. My sister would have wanted that for me. She always talked about how I would be a great mom, and I would always ask why she thinks that she would say that I always take good care of her. I used to believe that I could be a good mom and wife to someone. Still, every time I think about having a family, I just think about how I got my sister killed, and that doesn't give me a lot of hope for my future kids, so when I joined the army, I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't think or even talk guys because I didn't want to have someone I like so bad. Still, they either die or don't want me, or what terrifies me the most is that I am not a good mom or somehow get my kids killed. Now I am deciding to be alone and not have kids because I keep thinking about what would have happened if I got pregnant by Paul and how he would have beat it out of me or stabbed me to kill it or just left me; I'd never want that for that baby or me. I would never put the baby through what I went through with my dad, so this needs to be over, or I will end up just like my mom, and I promised myself I would never end up like her. But after all this, I would like to find a nice guy one day and maybe have a family with a loving, sweet guy with the same goals in common and someone who actually wants a family and doesn't just want to control me. 

I keep thinking about Bucks' offer and if I should take it, but I don't need Paul figuring out that I am hiding out at Bucks, who was the whole reason he went all psycho on me because he thought I was sleeping with Buck behind his back. Me staying at his place to hide from Paul will confirm all his suspicions in his mind, for some reason I want to take Buck's offer. Still, I feel like I shouldn't. I don't want to put him in more danger, but he doesn't seem to care about the threat since he knows that Paul is still roaming about and calling me. I hear a noise that brings me back to reality where Buck is staring at me, waiting for my reply; it took all my willpower to let someone help me and not do this alone. So I say yes without hesitating; he grabs my bag, grabs my hand, practically pulls me out of my old apartment, walks me to his jeep, lets go of my hand, puts my stuff in his trunk, and opens the passenger door for me. His jeep and I get in, and then he gets in. He starts the car, backs out of his parking spot, and gets on the road. About five minutes passed in silence, and he finally said, " Do you want to go to Dennys? You must have been starving since you left Hen's before dinner, and honestly, I could eat too. I couldn't help but laugh and then smiled a little bit which I felt I hadn't done since I was younger, and he looked and smiled and said what?? I have to be honest, I am hungry, so I nod and say yes, I could eat a little, and so he says Denny's it is, which is probably the only place he could think of that is still open.

 But for some reason, I am getting this weird feeling about how he is offering to take me to get food and that he seems to have actual human feelings and thinking about other people's feelings. I like seeing this side of him for some reason, but why is he choosing to use his kindness on me? This gives me a weird warm feeling inside, and I don't know what that could mean. So we pull into Denny's, and he quickly turns off the car and gets out without saying anything. Before I knew it, he was on my side of the vehicle, opening my door for me and putting his hand out. His gesture made me want to pass out; I have never had a guy do that for me, which shouldn't be a big deal. Still, it is at the same time because now I am just thinking of all the things Paul never did for me, like opening the doors for me or holding my hand he hated holding my hand, especially in public. He would always make excuses for why he didn't like holding hands, so I grabbed his hand to let him help me out of his jeep because I didn't want to seem rude. That's the only reason at this point. He closed my door for me and forgot to let go of my hand, and we just started walking, holding hands. We walked in, and the hostess was already waiting for us, and she said hi, looked at us holding hands, and said a late-night date. And I immediately let go of his hand and said no, just two hungry people, and started following her to our table. I think he was stunned when I did that, but he still followed a little behind me, we sat down, and our waitress got us water while we studied the menu in silence after that awkward comment from the hostess. 

We still weren't speaking, and before we knew it, the waitress asked if we were ready to order. I realized I had been looking at the menu forever but hadn't picked anything to eat. I had too much on my mind, but he piped up and said I'd have the waffle plate with maple syrup. Then she looked at me, and I had no idea what to order and kept asking, " Dear, are you going to order she kept asking and asking. The more she asked, the more anxious I got, and my heart started beating fast. It felt like it was going to combust, I started holding my chest, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air, and at that point, I completely forgot I was in a restaurant. I was trying to keep my panic attack in check, which wasn't working, and then suddenly, I felt something on top of my hand that was grasping my chest. I looked down and saw another hand on mine and realized it was Buck's hand. I didn't know what to do, but for some reason, it was working. My heart started slowing down, and before I knew it, I was breathing normally again, I was so shocked that he helped and it worked; I thought it was lovely of him to help me, but I am still cautious of why he is being so kind to me. 

So after my little panic attack and embarrassing myself in front of everyone at Denny's, I ordered the same thing as Buck and then sat quietly. At the same time, the waitress took our menus and started walking away, and everyone returned to their conversations. We sat there in silence for 5 minutes because I didn't know what to say about what had just happened. I felt so embarrassed about having my panic attack in public and especially in front of Buck; I had been trying my hardest not to let anyone see how fucked up I was. He finally looked over at me and started asking how I felt. I didn't want to talk to him right now, I was embarrassed about everything and honestly angry at him for bringing me here, and I blamed him for my panic attack. I know he brought me here to be friendly and buy me food, but I couldn't help but be angry at him, so we finally got our food. I was hungry, so I shoved all the food in and asked if we could leave. He shook his head, and we got up. He paid for the food at the front, and we walked out and got to his car. It felt like I could finally breathe again. He could tell something was up to him and kept giving me a concerned look while he opened his car door for me again and then got in and turned his car on. I could tell he wanted to say something. Still, he decided against it and just started driving to his place, so we sat in silence the entire time we started pulling into his home, which I recognize from the multiple times I've had to come here to yell at him. Still, this time was a lot different since I will be living here for a few days and must be nice to each other. We parked, and I was about to get out when he turned and asked me...........