I don't know how to feel

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Maia's prov.. So I pulled into Buck's apartment and the pit in my stomach just felt like it got a lot bigger, even though I saw his car parked in his usually spot I was really hoping that he wasn't going to be home even though I know I need to talk to him and have a conversation about everything that has happened and apologize to him as well. So I sit there trying to talk myself out having to talk him but I know its the right thing to do so I gather up my wits and grab my keys and new phone and I get out and I walk to his door and take a big deep breath and knock on his door and I didn't hear anything and I was giving up hope I heard footsteps and then I a women opened the door and I was in utter shock and confused, so after I lifted up my jaw from the floor I said I'm sorry I was looking for Evan Buckley, I didn't know that this wasn't his apartment anymore.

I was about walk away but then she said oh no he still lives here, he's just in the bathroom one second I'll see if he's out, so I stand outside of his door wishing I had never gone here because I feel super awkward now and knowing that his girl of the week just opened the door just made this really weird and beyond awkward and made all my questions of what we are and why he was being so kind to me when I was in the hospital and him pretending to be my boyfriend just so he could see how I was doing and of course my sisters comment about us but that all went of the window when his fling opened the door anyways I can hear talking towards the back of the apartment which I am guessing is where the bedroom is located and then I finally see both of them walking back towards the door and to me and the before I knew it Buck was standing in front of me shirtless and I didn't even know what to say especially since his it girl was standing right behind him and when I mean right behind him, I mean hanging on him listening to us.

So I started getting cold feet about talking him and apologizing for everything and I absolutely didn't expect that he would have company over, so I decided to back out because I wasn't about to talk about all the shit that just happened to me and him right in front a random bimbo all because he can't seem to keep his shit in his pants, apparently being in a holding cell for a day or so has been very rough for him. I am just surprised he was able to find a bimbo so quick but anyways so he said what can I do for you Maia? and I said well I just wanted to have a conversation but its okay you seem busy and I have other errands to run but I see you at work soon, so we can hopefully talk then? And he said yes for sure and then I walked away pissed and cursing him under my breath because I was ready to talk him and now that I couldn't talk to him I don't know if I am going to be able talk to him now but I do still have all of this guilt but I guess I'll have to stuff my guilt down because honestly I have a lot more things to worry about like finding a new place and making sure I will never have to see Pauls face ever again but so far that hasn't seemed like a problem since no one can seem to find him.

So I get back to the car and get in and sit there frustrated and confused about everything and especially my feelings because I can't figure out why I am so upset at the fact that Buck had a girl over the second he gets out of a holding cell after he had been there for me and actually seemed like he cared and his whole assholeness just seemed to go away for the moment in time and I don't know what to think, but then he's back with tens of thousands of girls in and out of his apartment everyday and it reminds me of why I can't stand him in the first place and I feel like that's the best for us is to go back to hating each other and clearly what my sister said about Buck in my weird fever dream was wrong and I don't know why I ever gave it a thought cause it was beyond fucking wrong, somebody shoot me if I ever end up with Evan Fucking Buckley like please just shoot me in the fucking face, so after my mini freak out I turn the car on and decided to head back home to Hen and Karens house. I didn't get as much done as I wanted but at least I got a phone and a new number so Paul can't contact me ever again.


I finally get back to the house and I run into Karen first because Hen was gone at work and so she was the only one home since she is a stay at home mom for there two kids at the moment and so I ran into her and she asked how everything went I was trying to decided if I should tell her that I actually went to go see Buck but since it didn't go the way I was hoping which honestly I don't even know what I was expecting out of it but anyways I decided I wasn't going to say anything and so I gave her a smile and said yes it went great and showed her my new phone and said I started looking at talking to people about affordable apartments and made sure not to rip any of my stitches and she laughed and said well that's good Hen will be happy about that. So after my conversation with Karen I went to my room to go lay down and think about everything that has happened and I just feel so exhausted from it all and don't know what to do, how am I supposed to go back to work when everyone knows what happened not only with me and Paul but with Buck as well and him spending a couple nights in a holding cell cause of me I feel so guilty about it all, if I had just told the truth to the people in my life who had figured out that I was getting abused or if I had been strong enough to leave him when I know I should have instead of depending him over and over again all because I thought he loved me and I believed him when he said he would change but he never changed, he was never going to change.

My mom was right about one thing you attract the people you think you deserve and for some reason I thought I wasn't good enough to have someone who treated me well and I ended up attracting someone who was just like my dad, I was in the army I dealt with asshole army guys on the daily whether it was them being sexist and telling me I don't belong there or telling me I was only for sex and trying to touch me or get me alone anytime they could for someone reason I could deal with that and they knew not to mess with me, I was the badass army girl who did two tours and recovered from the wound and became a firefighter not long after but I let some man break me down and make me feel like shit and treat me like shit I was so weak for me and I don't understand he wasn't that special but I guess because he made feel good in the beginning of the relationship but it turned bad so quickly that I didn't know what to do I thought it was just a fluke but the more and more it happened I knew it wasn't a fluke and I should have ended it the second time it happened, I should have kicked him out and got him out of my life but because of me being so weak I almost died because of being so weak and pathetic and I put other people in harms and I will always have so much guilt for it and not just for the people I hurt but guilt for me and for not having the courage I should have had a long time ago.

So as I was thinking about all of this I could feel the tears running down my face and it just made me want to cry even more ever since my sister died and I joined the army I tried my hardest to keep my feelings inside and not let things affect me but then times like this all the emotions come out and sometimes once they come out they don't stop and its because I have held them in so much, anyways I was exhausted physically and emotionally from all the emotions and crying and so I decided I was going to take an actually nap. I woke up suddenly from my phone ringing loudly or at least it sounded super loud since I was dead asleep and so it took me till the last ring to see who it was and I was shocked I was even getting a call since I hadn't told anyone my new number not even Karen or Hen, so I answered the phone out of curiosity and I said Hello? and the second I answered and said hello and I dropped the phone out of my hand in shock.......

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