If Only

Twenty Eight

Charlotte Crawford

Disbelief seemed to be the correct word for today. Looking at myself in the mirror to see the baby bump that had truly taken place

"Wow you really fancy yourself huh?" I rolled my eyes looking to Grace

"I feel so big" placing two hands on my bump

"You're only 19 weeks pregnant, you've got ways to go. Your not big at all, your just not used to your body changing" she rubbed my shoulders

"So why do you keep overanalyzing yourself?"

"I have to drop off some papers to Nate at his work and I've never been there before. Well once but nobody remembers me"

I placed on my coat as the late November air had become bitter "so thanksgiving? What are you doing" we went towards the elevator

"I haven't discussed it with Nate but me and Belle are sticking to our traditional plans. Are you coming?" Grace nodded

"I'd be honored, but shouldn't you invite your husband?" She gave me a knowing look

"It would be mean not to, we just haven't discussed thanksgiving. To be honest we haven't discussed much, I swear the man's scared of me, he'll just shut me out, I think we've shared 5 sentences this week"

"He's probably never been around a girl in a serious way, so of course he's scared"

"I like the optimism" I sighed and she paused

"Have you told him?" questioning me her face serious as mine changed to guilt

"I don't want to" i mumbled like a little child "what if he doesn't see me the same after, sees me as weak"

"As strong Charlotte, see you as strong" she placed hand on my shoulder her fingers were cold as ice

"I don't like to discuss past traumas, it took me years to open up more to you"

"Maybe he'll get a better understanding of you"

"He'll think I'm a liar"

"A withholder, you didn't need to tell him but you deciding to is big. He's gonna see the scars at some point" I shook my head

"I cover it with makeup-"

"Charlotte, does he at least know about the room" I shook my head "Charlotte it's important to talk about things"

"He doesn't need to, anyways my parents know how to keep my mouth shut. Now this conversation is over" I focused my attention on the floors going downstairs

"I'm just saying, it's not something you should be ashamed about or keeping from him. Your past catches up to you one way or another. You can't avoid it forever. You are strong Char"

The doors opened and we exited "now I gotta go before my client has another breakdown, thanks for lunch" we hugged and went our separate ways

My mind swirled at her words, I'd been through so much I just wasn't ready to fully share with him. It's not that I don't want to, I'm scared to.

———————————————

Parking my car I stepped out onto the street. I loved my jeep but he hated it which made me love it more. He offered me any car, but I worked hard for this jeep. I know when our little baby is born I'll have to get a new one

I locked the car crossing the road towards the skyscraper. As people rushed by making their way in and I made my way to the elevator clicking his floor, the top one.