I'd Give Up Forever to Have You. (annyeongz version)

Chapter (3)

You wonder, not for the first time - but it's the first time that you do it consciously - you wonder just when exactly it became about something more with Yujin. You wonder what that 'more' even means.

You just want to be near her.

Constantly. You want to tell her about your father. You want to ask if she's read The Glass Castle. She probably did. She reads a lot, both assigned material and stuff she considers worthy of spending her time on. And, see - you know that. You know the most random shit about her, because you pay attention, unwillingly, involuntary at the beginning and greedily, closely in the present.

You know she's got a weekly breakfast menu. You know her schedule in and out. You know she loves documentaries and Disney. You know she's been silently replenishing your food supply, boxes of Captain Crunch and egg cartons still there and still full long after you've finished with them. You know she likes her back to be scratched during sex, know what sound she makes when she comes; but you also know what's in her playlist and what her thoughts are on the latest news. You're not sure she knows you agree with her on most things. That's the thing. You're not sure she knows you. You're not sure she wants to.

You're sure of one thing, though- no one has ever turned sex with you down because of some stupid exams. But- fuck, you can't even fool yourself. You know how much her studies mean to her. You've seen how desperately she strives to be on top of her classes.

Does she want to run away as much as you do? You even know the answer to that.

Still, it stings a little- how easily you are dismissed once finals roll around. Yujin locks herself in her father's study and buries herself in books. And you bury yourself in other people.

You kinda hate how you consciously try to be more quiet now. Every time you stop your new fuck toy's hands to close your bedroom door behind you, you're reminded of Yujin, and it makes it so much harder to enjoy your flings. Truth be told, you don't enjoy them at all. They seem clumsy now; the cheap thrill of a one night stand is gone and replaced with the awkwardness of them not knowing your body quite like she does. You just end up working for everything yourself, riding them till you reach your peak with eyes shut, images of Yujin and you together dancing across your eyelids.

Maybe that's what this is about, you think when a girl you don't remember the name of leaves with a dismissive nod. Consistency. You're confusing great sex with feelings. Romantic feelings. You know you like Yujin for who she is. You like spending time with her and talking to her and watching things she likes to watch because it's not something you're used to, but it's nonetheless both entertaining and thought-provoking. But you also like Yuna for who she is. And Rei, too. The only difference is you don't have sex with them on a regular basis.

So you decide to test that theory - and also maybe limit the amount of science documentaries you've been watching after discovering a taste for them because of Yujin.

Kazuha is perfect. She's a bargirl that always turns a blind eye to IDs- or lack thereof, really- and you've been flirting with her for months now. You don't really know what was stopping you from making a move on her- except you do, but that's precisely the reason you have Kazuha naked in your bed right now, your chests heaving in unison.

"Wow," she says, chuckling. "Who would have thought."

You turn on your side, squinting at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm impressed," she turns on her side as well, smiling. "And I certainly wouldn't be opposed to doing this again. Several times."
Good. That's the reason you have her here. "It's going to sound so lame, but I have to study right now," you say, testing the waters. "But - raincheck, though?"