Yes♡ | Seongjoong texts [ATEEZ]

30: Memory destroyer ✿

June Special
Day 2

"I find myself hating her sometimes." Minho said, dry and quiet. His eyes looked to the floor of the tiny room.

"Why would you, if she was such a good person?"

"We were 10 when she told us she had a girlfriend. She was almost 15.

It was a friend she had crushed on for a long time. I saw them hang out on the school grounds a couple times. She didn't have much friends apart from us, I was glad she found her. I'm not one of many words, even when I was a kid, I liked to watch, to hear, to listen... So when Eunhwa started inviting her to our hangouts, it was only natural for me to grow quiet and observe. I was happy for her. I remember she loved hugging her and kissing her cheeks.

It was her first love.

She wasn't afraid to show the world who she was. She said the word "Lesbian" with pride. I was small, I believe the facade.
I'm sure Seonghwa did too. She was our hero, and heroes don't cry, ever."

"How do you know it was a facade?"

"Who kills themselves while being happy?" He let out the driest chuckle to try and drown the tears threatening to spill. "She was miserable. I got to know when Seonghwa's mom gave me her suicide letter to keep. She said it was too much for her."

"Did you brought it like we said?"

"Yeah, I did." His voice almost disappeared.

"Do you feel ready to read it?"

He unfolded the paper. Messy hand writing and tear stains filled the page, mushing the paint around.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore.

There's a part of me extremely afraid of death. There's a part of me that thinks I'm too young to disappear. But who would want me anyway. I'm ever more afraid to keep living, to see what else the world has for me to overcome. I'm not ready to overcome anything else.

I don't know who I'm writing this for... Mom and Dad? Seonghwa? Hyunso? I guess its all of you.

I can't handle the fights anymore, I can't stand the bullying, I can't stand the heartbreak.

My heart hurts, mom, my heart hurts so much. It feels like someone has taken it away and I'm waiting empty for them to return it. With no love left for myself. I gave everyone my everything but I got nothing in return. I am empty, I never felt like I was enough. I was never the daughter you wanted, I was never the big sister Seonghwa needed. I wasn't a good enough lover for Hyunso.

But im tired of not being enough.

I always have to be the bigger person. I hate you and dad for that. Why should I be the one in charge of stoping you from fighting? Why should I be the one to cover Seonghwa's ears?

Get a grip. Be better parents. All I want is for you guys to treat Seonghwa how you never treated me. I want you guys to care for his friends so he doesn't end up alone. I want you guys to go to his school plays so kids don't make fun of him when no one is there to clap for them once the play is over. I want you to stand up for him when people are being mean to him. I want you to never judge him how you judged me, never lay a dirty look on him if he brings someone "different" home. LOVE HIM HOW YOU NEVER LOVED ME, PROTECT HIM. HOW YOU NEVER PROTECTED ME.

Make him feel like the luckiest boy in the world now that I'm gone.

I'm sorry, Seonghwa. I didn't want to leave you this soon. I wanted to protect you forever from all the bad in the world, to let you do what I couldn't do. But it got over me. The sleepless nights and the constant insults just because of who I am have taken a one too big tool on me. I don't want your pity and i don't want you to be sad, I just want to let you know that I love you, and that I'll always will.

And to older Hwa, never let the "faggots" and "sinners" get to your head. It's not worth it. Ignore them how I didn't. Be the strong shield for me now, please. And to our friend Minho, tell him I will miss him too.

Love, Eunhwa."

Minho whipped the couple tears away. It had been 6 years since he last read it. This made his fourth time reading her last words.

"How do you feel after reading this?"

"Sad, I guess." He sniffed. "She died because of lesbophobia. She died protecting Seonghwa and I from all the bad in this world. She didn't want us to go through the same shit." He breathed once, then twice. "But she forgot to out herself first. She couldn't talk to us about it, we were too young, but she also didn't tell her parents. Seonghwa's parents did fight when she was still around, but they have always wanted the best for their kids."

"Do you still find yourself hating her now?"

"Kind of... Is not hate, I just... Miss her. And I miss Seonghwa too. I wish he recalled her so we could share our memories, but she took them away. She made them and then took them from us. It's not fair how whatever she was going through not only affected her, but everyone around. It boils my blood." He was saying he was angry, but his actions made it seem as if he was not affected by it. He held the paper with both his hands, delicately, so it wouldn't break.

"I feel like this paper is the only thing their family has left but they can't have it." The tears made their way back, he didn't want to cry.

"You can cry, Minho, don't be ashamed. This is why you come here. This isn't just Seonghwa's or Eunhwa's problem. This affected you too."

His voice broke and the tears finally fell. He curled down, his face on his hands and his elbows on his knees. He wanted to throw the chair he was sitting on to the window. To break it just how she broke his heart when he saw his best friend on a hospital bed, unable to recall his name.

"He forgot everything because of her, yes, I am mad, but I can't put the blame on the victim. She was suffering, she couldn't take it anymore." His eyes became flooded and his words drowned in between his whimpers.

"She couldn't, but that doesn't mean her actions doesn't have consequences. You have all the right to be mad at her for some time, to be mad at Seonghwa for not remembering all those times."

"I know. I was. I don't want to be mad anymore, you know? I want all of us to be happy." The tears calmed down, there still.

"You could give the letter back, Minho."

[A/N: I cried writing this but dont worry next chapter is happier i promise sjbcjsc 😭😭😭]