No one is there

I promise i am ok...

My heart hurts.
Not in a sad, behind the scenes way.
But in a deep rooted, daily, all consuming way.
Like when I open my eyes I dread the light.
When I face the day I feel my sadness seep out, I can't contain the dread and loneliness I feel.
Yet all around me, my efforts go unseen. No one cares to acknowledge the brokenness I present, instead they just pick and choose the things to uncover.
A smile here, a laugh there, a facade at work must equate to a perfect life.
And when that facade comes crashing down everyone Is frazzled.
Why are you upset,
What's wrong with you,
It'll pass,
You're over reacting,
You're wrong,
You're to blame,
You seemed fine before,
That shouldn't matter,
So on and so on.....
the weight of having to keep everything together and everything to myself despite my seams bursting at all ends...
It's an insurmountable task.
Yet day in and day out I am expected and requested and demanded to do so.
And day in and day out the tasks weight grows more and more on me.
Making the difficulty of the day all the more heavy.
Until I spend my time not measuring the sadness or loneliness but the suffocation of the all consuming.
My timeline is marked by the severity in which I no longer wish to breathe.
And when I present this, I am met yet again with the get over it and suck it up and the tough luck and what ever other deafness the world has to offer.
These pleas mean nothing on the dark days,
For the care is no longer there.
If I shed the facade then it is already to late.
Those moments of open weakness and vulnerability come not from truth,
But from my willingness to give up.
My end of the rope, no care left, the "this is what it has come to" experience.
Those moments,
The more I go on.
Have become more and more frequent.
I worry what will happen,
When those moments become my days,
And what the out come will be if I truly give up this war.

C.G.