No one is there

Looking Glass Love

I had forgotten what it felt like to be small.
To feel as though I took up too much space in the world and needed to shrink myself as much as I could.
I forgot what it was like to swallow my tongue.
To cry and even though you were right there listening- not be heard at all.
This should be a good thing. I finally learned what it's like to be big.
To be tall and wide and loud and weird.
To be human again.
I learned what it was like to be cherished and loved at the most I could be.
Which is alot.
I am always alot.
But you taught me to embrace it.
To push it to its limits.
It should be a good thing.
But when I laid there shaking.
Sobs racking my body; and your headset I'm sure...
I forgot how to fold my wings beneath me.
I no longer knew how to turn into myself.
You making me big took my solace away.
I had no comfort in the floor as I pressed and curled.
Trying to crawl back to something familiar.
You mad me so big I can't go back.
Like Alice with the cake I grew too big for our house.
But you did not offer me a vial to ease the pain.
Instead you just watched me try and drown in the tears that flooded the room.
Sticking my head beneath the water again and again.
What do I do when I can no longer retreat into myself?
Why did you fix me just to break me all over again.
Why did you help me be big if you were just going to get cramped in the space I took up.
How do I learn to be small again, after you gave me wings and let me stretch them.
How do I learn to tuck them down into me, to hide them from you. From me. From the world.
How do I learn to be loved if I loose yours.
How do I make myself small again.
Teach me to be small again.
Love me enough to want me to be big, but do not let me make the mistake of trying it out for size.
Keep me small.
I'll stay small for you.
Please help me be small

C.G.