No one is there

Head in the clouds

I am not pragmatic.

Unfortunately for me I am the worst kind of dreamer.

My head is so full of fantasy I create the story in my head well before it ever happens.

I hurt my own feelings so frequently by this.

How do you tell the people you love you're angry they didn't act in their role the way you cast them in your head.

How do you explain you're hurting so deeply because they went off book and skipped the most important part of their script that you rehearsed.

How do I let people know that I will always be disappointed somehow someway because in my own head things have gone 8 different ways and in reality they didn't even match one,

I can't give everyone the footnotes to my own story.

But I would if I could.

I wish I would get surprise visits, and kisses in the rain.

The detail gifts and the paragraph texts.

I wish we would fight the way I want and make up in dramatic fashion,

I wish I knew each thought and plan and idea in your head.

I wish when you said things you weren't always joking.

I wish I was loved the way I strive to love.

I wish the universe would pay me back for everything I put out, like the exchange rate on living was simply being good.

And I wish I knew how to explain that all the terrible emotions I feel are never anyones cause but my own.

I wish I could show you that it's not your fault.

I wish people knew I am the villain, not because I want to be feared.

But because I crave to be understood.

I have ruined myself for everything long before the world tried to ruin me.

It's easier to live in my head alone, so I push and push until I am.

I put on the pragmatics as a mask for myself.

Because if I hide behind the science you'll never know the worry.

If I'm rational and I'm cold and I'm calculated,

You're safe.

And I'm such a pragmatist that I think protecting you from myself is the only heroic thing I can ever accomplish.

But I am such a dreamer I still secretly hope you're the one

C.G.