No one is there

Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is that I will never get better.
What if there is no better.
What if I find my place,
My job,
My partner,
My life.
What if everything works out exactly as it's supposed to.
What if my life perfectly falls into place.
What if all this happens and I still find myself empty.
What if nothing will ever fill the gaping crushing emptiness inside of me.
What if no amount of drugs or therapy or happy endings will fix whatever is broken inside of me.
What if I am destined to die from the wound inside me collapsing inward.
What if I can't keep fighting.
What if I'm just biding my time until the inevitable pull of this wave inside me.
What if the turmoil that appeared almost out of no where has consumed me so wholeheartedly that there is no solution left but to succumb.
I am forever afraid that as much as I have fought it will never be enough.
My brain and my body, even my soul will never be able to out down the weapons, or heal it's wounds. These scars will forever be opened and I will never know peace.
That is the only fear I have.
That despite my best efforts the world will have broken me beyond repair.
That despite everything I have overcame I will still choose to sink under the water on my own.
My biggest fear is that the strength I have shown was a facade and that I am as I have always felt.
Weak.
Childlike.
Breakable.
Fragile.
And that the world had seen all of this, and decided to consume me.
The world does that.
It eats the innocents of this world and it spits out these horribly broken people.
But it rewards them too.
It gives them peace.
What if the world has eaten me and decided I am not worthy of such a reprieve.
If this is what I am to be I do not think I am meant to survive it. 
I don't think I was built to endure.
My biggest fear is that the huge cosmic joke is simply that I will be the own end of my existence.
My biggest fear,
Has always just been
Me.

C.G.