The Munson Experience

4th of July

The Fourth of July was always a big ordeal with my family.
Having a big family that actually likes each other is amazing and trust me I'm super grateful for them BUT it also means a ton of names for Eddie to pair with faces he's never seen before.
He was naturally charming in a "rough around the edges" kind of way as my mom likes to put it so I'm not worried about him getting along with the adults.
The kids however...oh boy. Eddie wasn't a jerk to little kids or anything but he definitely had a way of treating them like aliens that neither I nor the kids themselves quite understood how to deal with.

Surprisingly Eddie voiced his concerns to me the entire week prior to my family's 4th of July BBQ about "how to win over the little gremlins."

"I didn't realize you cared about what these gremlins thought of you."
He sighed and sat down on the couch rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
"I mean I want your family to like me so it would probably help if I got along with their offspring. You can't leave me by myself though you have to make sure I don't do the thing."
"The thing?"
He looked at me and stared intensely.
"The thing where I don't know how to talk to kids and ask them wildly inappropriate questions for their age?"
He does have a point there.
One time he asked my little cousin if he smoked and then dug himself into an even deeper hole by offering to sell him some at a "family discount price." When I broke the news that my cousin was just a tall fourth grader, Eddie clammed up the rest of the night and refused to talk about it ever again.

"Definitely wanna avoid that one this time around."
He smiled sheepishly and looked up at me with pleading eyes.
"You gotta train me or something. I'm great with the baby making as you know," he winked.
"BUT the part where the things are walking around drooling on stuff is not my thing at all."
I laughed and thought back to when I was a teenager convinced I also hated kids.
I sat next to Eddie and put a comforting hand on his knee.
"Here's my advice: don't think so hard about it. Kids don't really gain sentience until age 3 and they barely nail social cues until 25."
He snorted and draped his arm around my shoulder.
"The rest," I continued, "doesn't have to flow naturally. That's the thing I used to stress about when I talked to kids, like how do I make them like me and be interesting so they don't cry or annoy me to death?
But they just want you to listen to their babbling as best you can and follow their weird tangents. Talking to little kids is basically just improv. A bit like DnD actually."
"Huh. Ok yeah I can handle that I think. Never compare the gremlins of Mordor to small human children again though, it's insulting to the gremlins."
I shook my head and smiled. He was hopeless.
"On another note," Eddie said, "How did you know I was thinking about that? Like specifically the 'not liking kids but wanting them to like me' thing. Are you a psychic or something?"
He pulled away and looked at me with wide eyes, grabbing my shoulders.
"Quick! What am I thinking right now? Go!"
I rolled my eyes.
"You're ridiculous."
"Wrong. I was thinking about how smart you are. And the things I'm gonna do when we get back home tonight to show my gratitude for all your advice," he grinned, pointing at the kitchen counter.
I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh yeah? You, Eddie Munson, are gonna cook dinner for me?"
He blew his hair out of his eyes and shook his head, still grinning.
"Oh we'll do something on that counter but it's definitely not cooking."
I laughed incredulously.
"How is it possible that you get turned on in every conversation somehow?"
He shrugged sheepishly and stood up, taking a bow.
"I am but a simple man. Your voice just does something to me sweetheart, what can I say?"
I smirked and watched him tuck his thumbs into his belt, his pants lowering to reveal his v-line. Oh god. Stay strong soldier we still have to make and eat dinner, don't fold yet.
"And it's super hot knowing my partner's a mind reader. Except I guess you're not sooo I gotta deduct hot points for that one."
"Wowwww after I just comforted you and bestowed my wisdom? The audacity,"
I laughed, standing up and walking to the kitchen.
"All jokes sweetheart, trust me. Now one last thing about these kid gremlins,"
he said, walking over and leaning on the counter while I pulled ingredients out of the fridge to make dinner.
"What's the protocol when small children engage in life-threatening fuckery and their parents refuse to put them on a leash? Do we just let them figure out for themselves why they shouldn't do stupid shit or do we like...intervene?"
I set the meat down on the counter and stared at him.
"If a child put a plastic bag over their head in front of you and started writhing around on the floor, you're suggesting there's a world in which you shouldn't intervene?"
His mouth fell open and he dropped his voice almost down to a whisper.
"That's a thing they do? Like on purpose?"
"Eddie for fucks sake YES they do A LOT of deadly shit. Cuz they don't know better."
"Incredible," he marveled, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully.
Shaking my head at him, I began cutting vegetables and figured we were done with the conversation. I was wrong.