I don't think I even want to be thin
I don't think that's the end goal
I think I just want to disappear
Or take up less space
Be less imposing
Sometimes I catch myself feeling sad and frightened that there's less of me than there was before
Like with each passing day I lose another piece of myself
Wether mind, body, or soul
And I miss what I've lost
I grieve it like a missing friend
When I lay in my bed at night
And close my eyes, ready to welcome the next day
I have a moment where I realise my body parts are touching each other
And it makes me sick
All I can feel is fat
And so I open my legs
And i stretch out my arms
Until the only thing I can feel touching my skin
Is the mattress below
And the blanket above
Isolating myself from myself
If I won't even touch me, who else would?
I'm sick of thinking about myself every moment of every day
There's no respite from the inside of my own head
I'm sick of all the noise
And the pain
And the rules
I'm so tired of the abstinence in all things earthly
My disorders deny me so many things
I must not eat, smoke, or have sex
I cannot touch my own skin
For fear of the thoughts it provokes
It's not even that I'm disgusted with myself
It's that there's someone else deep inside me that is
Like an internal gaze
I want to have control
Over whatever I can
Because I can't control my thoughts
And I can't control those around me
Or what they think of me
Or what they do or say
But I have control over what goes into my mouth
Or what I tie into my hair
Or what I paint on my face
And I almost have control over my body
I get so angry now
At the smallest things
It feels like its always simmering under the surface
And if someone pokes it in just the right way
It boils over in seconds and pours out of me
I never used to get angry before
And I don't laugh
Not really
Nothing pulls my mouth the way it used to
Nothing is funny
Why would it be?
What the fuck have I got to be laughing at?
Maybe I'm just wired for self destruction
I don't even feel real anymore
I don't feel human
I don't really feel anything
I don't know how long I can keep going on like this until I just give out
Like my heart could stop beating at any moment
The parts in my head could just stop ticking
I'd be over in a moment
Just like that
