Another Paradise | T Shelby

TWENTY EIGHT - GUILT

"Sit down, Lizzie."

Thomas blew smoke from his lips, flicking ash from his cigarette into a glass tray on his desk, one leg crossed over the other as he leant back in his chair, his eyes fixed on the woman across from him.

It was a few days after Charles recovered from his illness that Blair pulled her fiancée aside, asking to talk to him before he left for work one morning.

At first, Tommy was worried. He never usually got to spend too much time with his family in the mornings, most of the time he'd left before Charles had even woken up. That morning, however, Blair was sipping a cup of tea in the drawing room when she caught Tommy just as he was about to leave.

She looked innocent that morning, her skin bright and glowing, her eyes that had been drained of life from watching Charles while he was ill had returned to the purest blue, happiness radiating from her soft smile as she took him by the hand.

Neither of them had mentioned Lizzie working for the Shelby Company Limited since the day Blair had seen the two of them in Tommy's office. After giving it a lot of thought, Thomas had decided he was going to move Lizzie to another office that they had across the city, somewhere she'd still have a safe job, but where they wouldn't have to cross paths every day. He'd debated finding her a new job altogether at one point, but decided that would've been more hassle than it was worth.

Tommy hadn't told Blair what he was planning to do, though that morning as she held his hand by the large bay windows in their home, Blair told him that whatever he was going to do, to not bother.

He wasn't sure how Blair knew that he intended on doing anything about Lizzie, but after taking a deep breath, Blair told Tommy that she didn't mind the fact Lizzie worked alongside him. She told him that she recognised that he had tried to do a good thing, and that she loved him for it.

Of course, Tommy kept his mouth shut about what he'd intended to do, nodding with a small smile at her words that she'd clearly pondered over for a few days.

Deep down, Thomas knew that Blair wasn't totally happy with the situation, but he also knew that if anyone could forgive and forget, moving forward as the bigger person, it was her, and he loved her for that, too.

"Thank you for seeing me, Tommy."

Lizzie smiled nervously as she sat down, clasping her hands at her middle. She'd felt riddled with guilt ever since seeing Blair's face in the doorway, and then little Charles' face, too.

As much as Lizzie resented Thomas for the way he'd treated her at the end of their relationship, she was eternally grateful for him helping her with employment. She'd heard through word of mouth that he and Blair's first relationship had ended by the same means that hers had, and so even with broken bones and fresh bruises from a sore heart, Lizzie still found sympathy for Blair, knowing what she'd been through.

"I just wanted to let you know that I've given it some thought and I've made arrangements to move on. I understand now that I put you in a difficult position, one that I shouldn't have put you in, and although I'm so grateful for you giving me this job, I think it's better for the sake of your relationship that I-"

"Hang on," Tommy held a hand up, cigarette between his thumb and forefinger as he narrowed his eyes, "You've found another job? Where?"

Lizzie swallowed and Tommy knew the sadness that haunted her eyes in that moment, her pale skin seeming dull beneath her face, tiredness sinking deep in her bones.

"It's fine, Tom. It's work, I've done it before and-"

"Absolutely not."

Thomas shook his head once, fixing his eyes on her as she looked up at him, innocence and worry intertwined with a glimmer of hope pierced him.

"I can't do it, Tommy. I can't work for you after seeing the look on her face, it's wrong for me to be around you, I know because I'd feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot."

She sighed and gazed out of the window, feeling his eyes burn into the side of her face as he watched her, knowing his mind was having a thousand internal conversations with itself all at once.

"Lizzie, look at me."

When he finally spoke again, Lizzie did as she was told, slowly turning her head to face Thomas again. He leant forward with his elbows on the desk, his hands clasped together after stubbing out his cigarette.

"She spoke to me this morning, Blair, and she told me that she is happy for you to work here. She said that to me off her own back, alright? I want you to know that. And even if she hadn't, there is no way in Hell I'd let you go back to the work you were doing before, you understand me?"

His words made it sound like he cared, and for a moment, Lizzie got lost in the blue of his eyes the same way she had done so many times before. Only that time, she couldn't lean forward and kiss him the way she wanted to, or reach out and take his hand and feel the warmth of his skin against hers. She couldn't do anything she wanted to, and although he did care, he didn't care about her the same way she cared about him.

"Yes," Lizzie said quietly, nodding as she looked down at her hands, avoiding his eyes, "I understand."

She sat still for a moment longer, feeling too uneasy to stand and also unsure whether Thomas was done speaking. He looked at her again, feeling pain in his chest at the way he'd broken the woman sat before him, but knowing he was trying his best to heal what he could with kindness.

"I'm sorry, Lizzie. I'm sorry for how I treated you. You deserve better than that and there will be a man out there who can give you everything. I'm just not him."

Lizzie desperately wanted to reassure Tommy that he was the man who could give her everything. She'd fallen in love with him and the way he made her feel, how he made her laugh and smile. The world seemed brighter with him by her side and although to everyone else it seemed like loving a man like Thomas Shelby was near enough impossible, she had found it the easiest thing in the world.

When he walked away from her, the future she spent nights away from him building in her mind came crumbling down around her. A life of safety, security, being touched by a man who saw her as a woman and not just a body, a life of love.

In some ways, Lizzie felt worse because of Tommy's kindness. She thought that perhaps dealing with him moving on to someone else would've been easier if he'd have pretended like she'd never existed, the kindness and warmth in his generosity almost teasing her of a time they'd once shared, though one that they could never share again.

She swallowed, blinking hard to push back the tears that had filled her eyes. It was torture crying in front of the one man she desperately needed to make everything right, having all she wanted so painfully close yet so far away at the was excruciating for her, feeling like her soul was being split into two.

"But for her," Lizzie whispered, looking up at Thomas with watery eyes and an unsteady bottom lip, "But for her you will be that man?"

He sighed quietly. Thomas appeared as though he had no trouble looking into her eyes as she tried her hardest not to break down, though he felt guilt slicing through his heart in a million different ways on the inside.

"For her," he said in a low tone, drawing in a deep breath, "I am that man."