𝑅𝐸𝐷 𝑀 𝐴 𝐷 𝑁 𝐸 𝑆 𝑆

𝑆𝑖𝑥

Hanging in the closet, that was the worst kind of pain. Hidden from everyone, my family, my friends, even myself. I always felt numb yet, it brought me a sort of comfort. Loneliness, I was used to that. A common way to gather myself and it was the only way I could come unscathed from whatever was happening.

Having an abusive father and mother, I blamed it on the universe. Having friends that look out for me, I blamed it on luck. Having a problem living on this earth, I blamed it on myself. People had it way worse than me and here I was, complaining about my stupid childish problems.

No wonder no one asked me what was wrong. I kept everyone in the dark, it was easier. I tried to tell once, I tried to get help. I ended up being sent home and I was made a liar. Because that was the kind of thing that happened when you're family was rich. There was no way there'd ever be a crossover.

Thunder Bay was a preppy town. Whenever I walked in the streets, people seemed so happy. It was all a mask. We were all itching closer to our deaths, without knowing. Some of us knew. I knew shit was doomed. Some people couldn't believe it. Because where there was hope, there was power but it was all an illusion. Our blood ran like water, flowing and pouring down our backs. Or should I say my back?

I could pack my entire identity in an hour. With the guys, it felt like they knew me but, they didn't. Or maybe I just didn't know how to be myself around them. Either way, they were my family, I couldn't deny that. But they did not know me.

Wander in the streets at night, that was pretty close to the only thing I loved about Thunder Bay. When they were empty and everyone was asleep. The cool air seeped through my skin as I'd walk in the middle, waiting to be struck. Swimming in other people's pools was fun, too. I did that only with Loren, though. I hadn't realized but Loren knew me better than I knew myself. I still didn't understand how he wanted a heart so cold and broken, rotting in the back of my chest.

I failed as a daughter, I'd fail as a friend too. It was just a matter of time.

"Are you okay?" Loren asked, stopping me from checking my guitar. The show started at seven, it was five-thirty.

The urge to push him away tried to take control of me, until I remembered. This was Loren.

So, I smiled and kissed his cheek because I was tired of being alone. Flying when your wings were sliced in two from the hatred everyone had for you, it was too much. I prayed to God no one else felt this way.

All these voices in my head were too loud and it felt impossible for me to think that someone could ever understand. As always, I was wrong.

"Tori? Out with it" he cupped both of my cheeks. He smiled and said something stupid because he knew it'd make me laugh. It was so easy with him, as if he had a choice to save me from jumping off that cliff, he wouldn't hesitate to pull me toward him.

What was it that I wanted? A golden throne? A happy life? No. I wanted someone to sit down and look at our memories on the wall. I wanted someone to ask me about my childhood, ask me to talk, about why I was definitely not okay.

But that's not the kind of question people ever asked for.

I was never enough and I never would be. Surely, he, out of all people, understood that.

"Just a bit nervous" I admitted, his hands moving to my hips.

"Nervous? You're never nervous" That was true. Never had I been anxious about performing. Was it because I was aware the four horsemen would be in the front row? Was it because of Damon Torrance?

"I am a human being" I giggled and Loren did as well. That was when things went to shit. Loren took hold of my chin, his eyes glistening with desire.

I saw it in his eyes, need, want, anger. And it was all for me, he wanted, needed me. I promised myself I would never lead him on. He still caught me and I could not resist him, I didn't want to.

"I really want to kiss you" he whispered, his thumb brushing my lip. It startled me, how honest he was all the time. I never minded it. Then, why was I feeling like this was meant to be?

"What's stopping you?"

Loren looked at my lips and then at my eyes. He did that twice before leaning in. He grasped my hips and brought me closer to his chest. Blinded by the loneliness, I broke everything. This didn't involve just Loren and me. It involved the guys, it involved our family. I'd destroy everything. Even as my brain screamed at me to not make this mistake, my heart begged me not to stop. So I didn't.

When his mouth touched mine, I expected to feel nothing. Once again, I was wrong. It wasn't passionate or perfect. It was a kiss we both had wanted for a long time and the hunger was present. Was that all he wanted? I had no energy left and I knew, I'd let him do whatever he wanted. I was sick, didn't he notice?

I broke the kiss when I heard someone knocking on the door.

Chewing on my bottom lip, Loren held my hand and I didn't push him away. Not until I saw James who was smirking like an idiot.

Nothing was different and everything was different.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, the first thing I hated the most about my body was my hair. My stupid shining bright red hair, along with my freckles and my fucking lips that were too fat. I never told anyone that but if Loren and I were to become serious, I knew I had to tell him every fucking thing. That was too scary and I knew I'd bail. I always did.

Gabriel had pizza in his hands and when he put it on the floor of my bedroom, my head began to wonder how they got in. My dad was home, drunk.

This was also when I had this terrible feeling that if I came home that night, something terrifying would happen. Guessed I could crash at Loren's.

We all chatted and I was mostly quiet. Not because I was nervous but because my rib was hurting, now that I was eating. It all hurt so much and the worst of it was that I had to sing and play guitar. How was I supposed to do that with a broken rib untreated and my mouth filled with the salty taste of my blood?

Then Alexei clasped my hand, and my first impulse was to snatch it away, even though I'd always love Alexei. He had yelled at me at school, which was very unlikely for him. When the four horsemen showed up, it was bad after. He cared for me, didn't he? That was why he was upset and scared that someone had done something to me. Stupid, wasn't he? It was right under his nose, right under all of their noses.

"You're gonna rock it, Victoria. You're the rockstar" he smiled and I returned it, swallowing the lump of my blood in my throat. Maybe I should have stopped chewing the inside of my cheeks.

"Uhh, excuse me? We are going to rock it"

"Yes James, we will. But she's the better of us" Loren said and I caught a glimpse of him winking at the others. At that moment, I had the most disgusting and gruesome thought. What if I forgot how to breathe? Wouldn't be the first time.

My only thought as I sat quietly and held Loren's hand was Damon Torrance. Why was he so hung up on me? I wasn't his to play with. I wasn't a freaking doll. But the more I repeated it in my brain, the more it felt like a lie.