𝑅𝐸𝐷 𝑀 𝐴 𝐷 𝑁 𝐸 𝑆 𝑆

Seventeen

"What are we?" Damon had asked me the same question. I kept thinking about him as Loren kissed me that night. His hand was under my shirt and his lips buried mine. I clung to the feeling it gave me, thinking that this was Damon.

But, it wasn't.

This was Loren, my best friend I was about to hurt.

James was right. I was only ever going to tear us apart.

"What?"

"Tori, is this okay?" Loren kissed my neck before staring back at my eyes. I nodded fastly and he knew I was lying. But he wanted to feel numb as much as I did. That was why he didn't care what I truly wanted.

His hands cupped my breasts and he made out with me, harder than before. I was still wearing my bra thank god. This didn't sit right with me. What was I supposed to do?

And when his hand brushed the waistband of my leggings, I was thankful that the guys had barged in out of nowhere.

"Wow," Gabriel said while he laughed. Loren got off of me and helped me sit up on my bed. I felt embarrassed and I thought he did too until I saw the smirk on his lips.

What was he smirking for?

"We'll go if we're interrupting" Alexei suggested. I thought it was funny he proposed because we all knew no one would go anywhere since we had another concert at the bar next Friday.

As everyone sat down and we started chatting about what songs we wanted to do, I wanted them to leave.

All of them.

I had not checked the hour and if my father got home before they left, he was going to hit me again. It would happen eventually, that didn't mean I couldn't stop it for one night. If I could prevent it and as much as I wanted that, my friends were just laughing and having so much fun, I felt bad telling them to leave.

I couldn't do it.

I sought the courage in me but I had none.

The front door slammed and it was too late. The guys twisted their heads to me and I urged them to live by the window. Loren lingered behind them so he could tell me goodbye. I honestly didn't care.

He tilted his head down to get a kiss from me but I just screamed at him to leave.

I tried my best to stop it but obviously, I didn't succeed.

His fists were the only love I was receiving. I was stuck in reverse and what bits and pieces of hope I had left crumbled into little small stones that wouldn't break. As my father yelled at me, slapped me, and threw me against a wall, I realized I wanted one thing.

Peace.

I wanted to let it go, all of it.

No matter how much I begged him to stop or told him I'd do whatever he wanted, it didn't matter. He never stopped.

That night, tear streamed down my face as I lay in bed, thinking about life. What was its true purpose of it? Because really, I had nothing to live for, no one to live for. Maybe that was selfish but I was so tired.

I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. My wounds were not healed and they never would be. I couldn't be fixed, do you hear me? I couldn't be fixed, I was broken.

"Oh, god" I mumbled as I cried against my pillow, feeling nothing but sadness.

My mother was crazy with a husband just as shitty.

She was dead and he was still alive. I wondered if they ever even loved each other at all. She didn't look at him the way I looked at Damon. And daddy ne-

No.

No.

I meant Loren, why had I thought of Damon?

There was absolutely nothing between us, why did it feel like we had something, though? As if we were together in some past life or something.

There was nothing such as past lives, my mind must have been messing with me again.

Was it normal? Yes, it was.

It did that to everyone, right?

Carrying on with my stupid thoughts, I decided to stand up and watch the dry blood on my face and arms. Normally, I didn't stare at myself in the mirror.

That night, I couldn't stop myself.

I looked at my bruised cheek and the blood, there was so much blood. My thoughts were madness.

Red madness, everywhere.

I touched my cheeks without thinking and stared at myself. I'd love to say that I thought I was beautiful, quite the opposite actually.

Why would Loren ever want to kiss me?

Why would a horseman?

What was wrong in their heads?

I was nothing, nothing at all. Just a trash girl with a trash life. Who would want to be part of it? Certainly not mister Loren who was perfect. Honestly, I understood. If he knew, if they all did, our friendship would be over.

Wiping the blood away, I sniffled and looked away from the monstrosity that was me.

Cold, it was cold.

Everything was fucking bullshit and I just wanted to scream.

I couldn't.

I couldn't do everything and life was bullshit. I ran in circles again and again until my mind wouldn't take it anymore. I broke again and jogged to bed. Nothing was the same, it was worst. Way worse and I didn't know how long I could go without doing something I would regret, forever.

Think about joy, something good.

I tried thinking about Loren, about my friends. It made me cry more.

And as I was helpless, I thought about Damon Torrance and the crying stopped. I had tears that were still running down my cheeks but I didn't feel like my chest was being carved into.

I felt a sort of happiness or comfort, rather.

It may have been stupid but from that night, I decided I would spend time with Damon Torrance. If he wanted to, too.