𝑅𝐸𝐷 𝑀 𝐴 𝐷 𝑁 𝐸 𝑆 𝑆

𝑇𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑣𝑒

This was some madness. I was so sick of  everything. I tried to find reasons why I was important, what made me special. Here's what came out of my brain: My friends, and music. I drowned myself in writing songs, in playing, in singing. I went into it blindly and that was the only thing that made me feel alive.

I always put my family first and they adored it, but, my mother was dead. My father was more than psycothic and I thought it was time I'd be selfish. I didn't know why I was even thinking that, it wouldn't make a difference. The moment I'd come home, my dad would hit me again.

It wasn't like I didn't try to stop him.

I idolized him so much, once upon a time. I couldn't even compare him to anything now, I was praying I was going to get out alive. I wouldn't escape, it was impossible. At this point, I stopped thinking about the future. There were so many reasons to end it all, to end my misery.

No matter how hard I tried to do something, I never had the strength to do it. I kept telling myself that people had gone through worse than I did. Hell, Loren had gone and was still going through so much shit. So was Alexei and so was Gabriel and James.

We were teenagers, for God's sake. It was too painful, too much.

Were the four horsemen feeling that way? What was so wrong in their lives? I wondered, because everyone had shit going on. Somehow, there was a part of me that believed that my problems were worst than everyone else.

"Here's the little rockstar!" James prayed as I joined them in our usual spot at school. The night hadn't been too rough. My father yelled at me, saying that everything was my fault.

Then, he apologized because he knew damn well it was his fault. After that, he slapped me and ordered me to take better care of myself. My eyes were filled with tears.

Sometimes I felt like there were moments when my father was being himself. Little glimpses of my dad snuck around but it never stayed. I remembered when he had yelled at my mother for forgetting something somewhere, I didn't quite understand what they were arguing about. My mother slapped him and I saw him fall to his feet. When she left, he began to sob. So hard, I had never seen something so heartbreaking. Even after everything he was doing to me, I went up to him, sat down, and stroke his back. I wished he loved me that much.

The pit in my stomach was always empty, a void never getting what it needed. It hurt.

"How you doing?" Loren asked, helping me to sit down. I relayed way too much on him but, what else was I supposed to do?

I hated to admit it but, I missed my mother.

As crazy as she was, I realized that maybe she was suffering the same things my dad was doing to me. I just never payed attention. I despised her, she never cared for me. And I wanted to know, was it because everytime she looked at me she saw my father?

"You are all acting like I was shot or some shit" I giggled, wincing as Loren let me handle the rest on my own. He kept his steady hands on my waist and when I finally touched the ground, I hissed and my head fell on Loren's shoulders.

I closed my eyes, my rib rubbing my rib cage. I had to not move too much but how was that even possible?

"Maybe if you would tell us the truth, we wouldn't act like concerned friends" Alexei raised his voice and I sighed. I knew what I had put both Loren and Alexei through. I hated myself for it. I warned them in the beginning of our friendship, I would ruin them. I never deserved to be cared and loved, I didn't deserve to be with someone like them.

"Alex" Loren warned him, squeezing my hand. He kissed my forehead and the butterflies in my stomach were much more noticeable than the night before. I loved Loren. What if I truly loved him?

"Maybe someday I'll tell you" I crossed my arms together and stuck out my tongue at him. He didn't find it funny, of course he didn't.

How did they not figure it out? I couldn't blame them because I was a pretty great actor but, we had been best friends for years. And this thing at my house was happening all the time we were friends, why couldn't they understand? If I told one soul, I was dead.

"Tori, what does that mean?" Loren's thumb lifted my chin and when the scent of his perfume assaulted my nostrils, I let myself fall. I had nothing else to live for. Was I wrong?

His lips shortly connected with mine and he didn't kiss me back, not at first. Nothing grew inside me, until his hands were cupping my cheeks and he was devoring me with ferocity, I had never felt anything like it. Shining like stars, lightening the world like the sun, that was what Loren was doing to me, that was what he was.

When I pushed myself to pull away, he gave me a quick peck on the nose. My insides crumbled, my skin crawled as I noticed the four horsemen watching us from the basketball court. I gulped and focused on the boy in front of me. Even as I forced myself to think about only him, my mind kept wondering why Damon Torrance made me feel intense about his presence.

Loren's eyes lit up with something so genuine and god, I must have melted on the spot. Even though the person my body desired the most was across the parking lot, all the way hiding in the basketball court.

I smiled and dared to look at our friends. Gabriel's grin spread across his face, so did Alexei's. James, however, he looked mad.

Maybe he knew.

He always did.

I told them before and I wouldn't tell them again, I would ruin them. I did ruin them.