Eren's Tainted Rose

ch. fourteen

I heard thunder roar in the sky, droplets of water landing on me every now and then. I crossed my arms over my chest, heading back to my room.

I didn't care that I was missing out on Reiner's get together. I didn't care that Sasha would probably be mad at me later on. I didn't care that I was leaving Jean.

Eren fucking angers me.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the games and the things we continue to leave unsaid. I need answers, real ones. I need explanations, because how else am I supposed to be okay with the way things ended?

"Y/N!" I heard.

Eren?

I'm surprised he was still trying to talk to me. Is it even worth attempting this again?

I turn to him and sigh, "What?"

Suddenly, the rains becomes harder and harder. Eren and I were drenched in no time, the lighting flashing behind us as thunder roared in our ears. Fresh rain water coated our skin.

We stood there, staring at one another as everything else faded away. Eren's brown hair turned dark as it soaked in the water. Tendrils of hair stuck to any exposed skin from the neck up. I could see the panic in his eyes, but why? Why was Eren so adamant to start over?

"Don't walk away from me," Eren frowned.

"I thought that's what I did best? Giving up, you know?" I tilted my head, mimicking his words.

"I didn't mean that, Y/N. I didn't."

I narrowed my eyes, "Seems like you didn't mean a lot of shit you've said to me."

Eren stared at me, silent. The anger was radiating off of me, rolling in waves. How was I not supposed to be upset?

Suddenly, he walks closer. He gets so close to me that our chests are touching, the wet cloth sticking to each other. His hands find my cheeks, lifting my head even higher to maintain his strong gaze.

I watched his green eyes as they dilated. I watched the way he would glance at my lips.

"Eren," I said breathlessly.

He didn't say a word. He just stared at me as we both trembled from the cold rain.

Say something, I silently begged.

But he didn't. Eren remained silent. I was about to pull myself out of his grip until I noticed the tears forming in his eyes, mixing with the rain dripping down his face. Then he pulled me into a hug, one so tight that I could barely breathe.

I melted into his touch, closing my eyes with relaxation.

"I'm so sorry," Eren cried. I bit my lip, not saying a word. What was I supposed to say? It wasn't okay at all. But I couldn't be mean, I couldn't let him go. So I held him just as tight, and he seemed to understand my silence.

"You're an emotional drunk, huh?" I whispered.

"No, that's not-,"

"Come on, Eren," I pulled back from him, grabbing his wrist and began walking. "You should sleep it off."

"Y/N, listen to me."

I shook my head, "Eren, hush. Please. You probably won't even remember this tomorrow. Just sleep."

I turned to look at him, seeing him hang his head low. We finally reached his room, and I opened the door, leading him inside.

"Sit down, okay?"

Eren listened, sitting on his bed. I pulled his shoes off for him, setting them aside.

"I have to use the bathroom," Eren said sheepishly.

"Go ahead. I'll leave now. Just wanted to make sure you got here safely." I said with a monotone voice. I'm still angry with him, but I'll always care. Plus, I helped him home because I don't think I could listen to another shitty apology.

Eren stopped at the bathroom door, turning to me. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"You don't have to say anything Eren. And I won't bring this up to anyone."

Eren nodded, his blood shot eyes disappearing from view as he shut the door.

I stood still for a moment, lost in thought. I shook my head, and was almost at the door until I saw a stack of letters in an odd place. I figured they fell, so I decided to pick them up and set them on his desk.

I wasn't going to be nosy and look through them, until I saw my name written on the pages. There were so many of them with my name, all in Eren's hand writing.

I froze, staring at them. Everything in me wanted to take them with me, but I couldn't. I know Eren would notice. So, I put them back in their original spot and hurried out the door.

. . .

It had been three days since I found the letters.

I made a plan to sneak into his room when he's busy with his tasks from Levi, which is usually cleaning when we're not on duty.

Part of me had no idea what to think of the situation. What was written in those letters? Why was he writing about me?

Could his apologies be genuine?

I've been trying to rack my brain for reasonings, but I know it's no use. I will never know unless Eren tells me himself. Maybe I should have been trying to hear him out instead of dismissing him. But he had dismissed me for so long that I thought it was what he deserves.

Armin could possibly know about the letters. He could give me some information. But would he?

I shuffled through my old notebooks, finding one I had stopped using daily about a year ago. I continue to write in it at least once every now and then, but not nearly like I used to.

I opened to a random page, reading the date. I had wrote this three years ago.

Dear Eren,

It's been so long. I'm tired of constantly butting heads with you any time we actually have a conversation. I can't even think of what I did wrong. I hope one day we get to fix things. I hope one day I get the closure that I've needed for a while now.

I'm glad I've gotten to at least see you grow into the person you are. I know it isn't under great circumstances, but I'm glad I can watch from afar.

This book is filled with things I wish I could tell you. This book has had to take your place. I imagine it's you listening to me whenever I write.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. And for a lot of things. Especially for having relations with Jean when I know the one person I love is you.

It's been so hard admitting that to myself. Admitting that I love you. There's days I wish I could take back the fact I've admitted it. There's days I can't handle the truth, because it makes me sad knowing I love a boy who doesn't even deserve it anymore.

I miss my best friend, Eren. I wish you'd come back to me.

I don't know when I'll have the heart to stop writing. I guess whenever I let you go. But I don't see that happening for a while. Not while we live in the same building, are on the same team with the exact same friends.

I don't want to let you go but I should.

Love, Rose.