Athena

59. Suzie's Email

Pained gasps fill my lungs.

Anguished wails fall with each exhale. 

I spiral, spiral, and spiral until Cruz's arms encase me, wrapping around like a lifeline to save me from myself. His scent. His warmth. His love. All of it soothes the chaos within. My breaths begin to calm. 

When the worst of my meltdown, at last, subsides, he prompts in a quiet voice, "Athena?"

He looks beyond anxious. I know I owe him an explanation. I'm still struggling to find the right words, though. I let out a weak sniffle. Glancing back at Cruz, I try my best to answer him, "I..."

I pause to take in a deep, shuddering breath and slowly push it out of my lungs.

"Take your time. It's okay."

A speck of sanity returns when I continue, "I think shit just got to me. All of sudden. All at once."

Confusion wrinkles his brow. "What are you talking about, exactly? Did I do something... wrong?"

"No, no, not at all!" I assure him, "You were amazing."

Cruz gives me an uncertain smile. "Only... amazing?"

I grin and nod. "More than amazing! Twenty out of ten!"

He coughs. "But?"

My grin falters slightly. "But... I guess it felt wrong."

"Wrong?"

"To feel so happy. With you. Especially when everything else is falling to pieces. I don't even know where we're gonna live."

"So... you started crying because you're stressed?"

"Kinda, yeah." I challenge, "Aren't you worried about what might happen to us?"

"Of course," he confirms without hesitation, "but I'm gonna make sure that nothing can fuck with our future together."

I can't help but grimace. "How, though?" 

Cruz gives me a mysterious smile. "You'll see."

"You got a plan or something?"

"Maybe."

When I press him to tell me more, he refuses. "Let's just go with the flow for now."

"So... you don't have a plan?"

"That's not what I said."

"Cruz!"

"Just trust me, baby. Please."

"What the hell! I don't like being left in the dark."

"I'll tell you when I'm ready. I promise."

My face falls, but, no matter how hard I try to get a word out of him, he stands firm. I'm left to obsess over what Cruz is hiding up his sleeve.

We stay in bed for a while longer, brooding in silence, with my cheek on Cruz's chest and his arms around my waist. I can hear every beat of his heart. Feel the rise and fall of his breaths. This peace feels a bit strained, though, because none of our problems have been resolved. Tension buzzes inside me. It makes me want to get my ass in gear, to do something, so I can stop moping around and feeling depressed.

I clear my throat and turn to Cruz. "By the way, I've been meaning to tell you something."

"Okay..."

"But I got distracted when shit hit the fan this morning..."

"Uh-huh..."

"After, you know, everything that went down with your dad and my dad..."

Cruz's body stiffens with frustration, "Athena, please, just tell me!"