Pretty Boy

Your Faithless Love's The Only Hoax I Believe In

                         Part 5: This pain
                  wouldn't be for evermore

Serge:

Ignited with broken sensations capturing my loose state, I open my eyes as blinding lights spark up my vision all distorted.

There's full gleamed equipment beside me, and my body is dressed in a white gown. I feel weak and my eyes wander to the injections of tubes placed in my wrist. I'm in a hospital, or so it seems.

My head hurts from dizziness and my mind craves an explanation as to what happened. All I could remember at the moment was the sight of the stall fading from my vision and blood circling out of my mouth.

"You're awake."

My eyes moved to the sound of a chill voice tickling my ears, and I couldn't help but feel lighter as I saw my mom entering the room and sitting beside me.

"What happened?" I ask, looking at her.

She gives me a subtle smile and holds my hand, squeezing it light-heartedly. "You were u-uhm..." She stutters with the words and stares back at me with teary eyes. "You were unconscious in a bathroom stall, bleeding. You were just lying there, curled up and crying." She continues, trying to wipe off her tears.

I couldn't help but feel guilty seeing her in such a tearful state, and my body feels more helpless with all the things that happened last night. "Was Hogan the one who found me?" I ask.

I don't really know what I'll do if he's the one who discovers me in such a tragedy. It sucks because there's still a part of me that wishes last night hadn't just happened. I wish I hadn't just let my feelings get the best of me and I wish I wasn't too fucked up as a person to not care about what he's feeling at all. I know for a fact that my attraction to him wouldn't change, yet now I can't do anything other than hide it. All the words he said last night truly hit me hard, and I hate how fast I provoked his points with my emotions. He's mostly right and I'm afraid that I just lost everything we had just because of how dumb I am. I tried my best not to mope about the fact that I just easily pushed him away, yet I still couldn't help but crave his touch, his voice, and simply his body next to me. It took me years to realize how badly I wanted him as my own, but it only took a short period of time for me to lose him.

"No," she answers. "A stranger found you lying there. We only heard about it through one of your dad's friends."

I give her a simple nod, feeling slightly relieved that it isn't Hogan. However, my curiosity still seems to sweep out of me as I continue to think of him. "Does Hogan know?" I ask, my tone slightly hopeful.

My mom looks at me, seemingly trying to figure out my expression as she tries to answer my question calmly. "He hadn't yet. He said that you might want some space, so he didn't want to bother you for now." She answers, sending a sharp pain through my skin.

My heart trembles from the idea that he didn't find it in him to come, even though I was the one who literally gave him that impression. I don't know why I suddenly feel saddened by her words, though I can already guess it's from the way Hogan still has a grip on me.

I definitely told him that I needed space, yet I still wanted him to push my walls away again and make sure that I was okay. I've just become too dependent on what he thinks of me whenever I'm down and to take care of me when I'm at my lowest. He can easily hide his concern when we're together, even though I can read him most of the time, and I can't help but feel validated when he doesn't try to bring up the topic of what brings me down.

He never tries to worsen what I'm feeling but only makes me feel happier whenever he's with me. And I can never bring myself to be mad at him because I know how much worry he always feels, just to protect me. He's there when I need him and though I usually dwell on how he didn't give me any attention last year, I still always see through his eyes how he never lost his heart even as he was away from me. I'm just too caught up in worrying that I'll only be a burden to him that I didn't even remember that he was originally my friend. A friend that always helped me through tough times and a friend who never lost hope that I'd get back to being the guy he once had. He knows my weaknesses yet, he became my weakness as well.