Fate. A predetermined supernatural power. The will of the universe. Fate is order. It writes, and rewrites. It gives. It takes. It decides. It spins vibrant red strings that flow into the world and connect people who are destined for love.
Rubi Ama...
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"A liberal arts college close to home is what I'm thinking. And what universities are you applying to?" Rubi asks Irina as we wait outside the teachers' staffroom, grasping our respective career forms and standing in single file with the rest of our classmates.
"I haven't decided yet," Irina answers, her manner relaxed and carefree.
Rubi frowns. "What are you going to say to Sensei, then?"
"That I haven't decided yet."
I press my lips tightly together. Finals and college entrance exams are going to be upon us in a mere few months. Isn't it irresponsible and stress inducing to say that you haven't decided on your top university choices, this late in the game? And yet Irina seems utterly unworried.
When she catches me looking at her, she fixes me with a sharp stare over the top of Rubi's head, like she's daring me to say something. I swallow, and avert my eyes. I'd normally view this sort of flippant attitude as a fatal flaw, especially when it comes to a person's education. But something about Irina's general air of surety makes it impossible for anyone not to admire her, at least a little bit.
"And you?" Rubi asks, turning to face me. "What's your first choice?"
"H university," I say, trying my best to sound resolute.
"Oh!" she exclaims immediately, and then she pauses for a beat, unsure. "Oh," she says again, expression stuttering between a frown and a smile. "That's...I mean, you're sure? H university?"
"Y-Yeah," I say, voice faltering inspite of my efforts to keep it even. I always try to sound hard and sure when it comes to questions about my career plans, because it's the only way to ensure that I'm taken seriously.
I know that everyone at school thinks that aiming for H university is a fool's gambit. I thought I was prepared for the apprehension and scrutiny that I'd face upon voicing my goals, but seeing Rubi react with this much uncertainty makes the enormity of my decision hit that much harder. And beneath the accentuated fear, it's pain that I feel in my heart.
I guess I just really wanted her to believe in me.
"I'm sure," I add, hardening my voice. Forcing the words out.
It's new, this desire for encouragement and approval, and I can't see it as anything but yet another weakness.
What's happening to me?
How can I make it stop?
Rubi peers at my career slip. "You...haven't listed any backup schools," she observes, brows creasing with worry. "You...you could consider S university or K university. They aren't ranked as high as H university but they still hold an excellent reputation. Their acceptance rates are said to be more reasonable too. I'm not saying you should completely disregard H university, but...you know, just to be on the safe side," she suggests.
