Fate. A predetermined supernatural power. The will of the universe. Fate is order. It writes, and rewrites. It gives. It takes. It decides. It spins vibrant red strings that flow into the world and connect people who are destined for love.
Rubi Ama...
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My hands are shaking as I grip my marked answer sheet from yesterday's math test, eyes burning while I blink at my score, again and again, till the image of it is branded into my eyelids. Thirty one out of one hundred, and in unmissable red ink, a single word — Fail.
I'm painfully aware that my performance in yesterday's test was pathetically poor, and it's almost embarrassing — the fact that the sight of my bad score still almost shocked me to tears.
It's been a few days since I stopped talking to Ren, but I still haven't been able to adjust to this...new life without him. Not having him around makes this classroom feel different, foreign. It feels like I'm in another city altogether, and it's cold and jarring and makes it impossibly hard to get out from underneath my blanket every morning.
Sometimes, I unconsciously steal glimpses of him — yawning, or scratching the back of his head or rocking in his chair — and I'm hit with these immeasurably large waves of warmth and fondness, and it gets so overwhelming sometimes that it makes it hard for me to stay on my feet.
As I sit here now, bent over in my desk, thinking about Ren, my fingers pressing hard into my answer sheet, I feel my resolve steadily start to weaken. Now that my seat is to the front of the classroom, the teacher's voice is clearer compared to before, the writing on the blackboard more accessible, and I should be taking advantage of this, but I just...can't focus without the comfort of Ren's everyday noises caressing my ears anymore.
Before I realise it, I'm asking myself, what's the point? If I'm going to fail anyway, I'd much rather do so with Ren by my side, attempting childishly to peer at my answer sheet while I fold it away, and even if he laughed at my score, I wouldn't mind, because I just love listening to his laugh, and...
It's happening again.
I close my eyes.
Remember the feel of Baa-san's coarse hand on my cheek. Her throaty voice telling me to look after my sister. Build a good home for the two of you, Akito, was the last thing she ever said to me, before she allowed herself to shut her eyes, lips in a quivering smile, relaxed and unafraid in her final moments, like she knew she didn't have a thing to worry about because she trusted me so wholeheartedly, and I...I can't bear to let her down.
Once I've collected myself, I quickly gather up the papers on my desk and slide them into my folder so that I can retake the test once I return home. I can't give up just because of a few red marks, Baa-san wouldn't like that, and all I want is to keep making her proud.
Sports day is tomorrow, and soon after that, the seniors are being given a whole week off school to prep for the pre-final exams. A whole week away from Ren. It's exactly what I need to finally pull myself together. My one chance to shut myself in my room and make up for all the times I fell behind, with no distractions.
