Shut Up and Review

#5. Silent Exiles

Silent Exiles by UenoyamaRitsuka

Reviewed: Chapters 1 and 2

I'm going to first say here that my reviews are extremely detailed. However, every criticism here is put in with the aim of helping you grow as a writer.

Your story and ideas were absolutely amazing. I loved diving into the world you wrote about, I loved your descriptions too. They were very vivid without getting caught up in the info-dump train. I also loved your opening paragraph. The most crucial part of a story is the first paragraph and subsequently the first chapter. It's the make or break for every story regardless of the genre. So you definitely did well in that regard.

My recommendation to make the first paragraph even more exciting is to use the part you added later as the opening. The scene where the silent exiles defeat the academy would make a far more interesting opening paragraph and that way there would be less transitions as well. It is also a much more exciting opening event than Serenity travelling on her dragon. I'm not saying that Serenity going to Agnelea was boring or that transitions are a bad thing. However, if you can avoid transitions then do so.

Also, the very first thing that I read in your story was the date, time and location on the right. This made me feel like I was about to read a letter and when a story started instead I was thrown off a little. My recommendation would be to either pop it in the centre or the left in one line and to bolden the text. This way it's less of a letter and more of a story transition.

The second thing I'm going to pop here is that your paragraphs are sometimes a bit short, unnecessarily so. Only switch to a new paragraph if a different unrelated activity begins. In that regard your first two paragraphs could easily become one.

I enjoyed the mystery surrounding "her," throughout the opening. I also enjoyed the world-building that began instantly. This is such an important factor in fantasy, because people don't realise that what's in their head isn't in the readers. I would however recommend using a bit more deep POV here.

For instance, when she's on her dragon and travelling to Agnelea or when she's in the forest and responding to the scream there is no mention of Serenity's feelings. Was she scared? Was she sad? She's leaving her home and heading off to a different country, she must have some feelings about it. In the forest, how did the smells make her feel? How did trudging in the mud make her feel?

I got the sense that the bit about her home was intentionally mysterious and I appreciate that. You can, however, keep the mystery while including emotions. You can talk about how it broke her heart as she looked back at the ocean. How she felt lonely and worried but also determined. A gripping story is one in which you're not just reading about the character, you are the character.

I'm going to be extremely nit picky here and also mention that there are instances where you've overused some words. For instance you've said "There were no people in her sight." Her is a bit unnecessary here because she can't really see through anyone else's sight. If this was however, an attempt to show that she can see through other creatures, mentioning that in a sentence here makes it less confusing and helps the world building even more.

Another example is that the forested area had 'sand.' That threw me back too because sand isn't possible in a forest. Again, if that was part of a fantasy world-building exercise, pop in even more detail about how that's odd.

Your tone switches between formal and informal quite a lot during the prose. If you want 'high-fantasy' themes in your story then avoid using words like 'kid' and opt for 'child' or 'young boy' instead.

While I loved the magic and the abilities in your world, you've stated them as well terms specific to your world without a lot of detail or explanation on what they are and who else can use them. You don't need paragraphs, one small statement is usually enough. Always remember that names of abilities without explanation are always jarring to someone who's not in your head.

Your first two chapters were very long. While I understand fantasy chapters can be 6000 words long, a lot of different things were happening here. Things that could just as well be split into multiple chapters. I did see that you implemented that in chapter 3 though. If you submit your story for a review though, always work on your first few chapters though. Even professional agents read barely three chapters. So perfect them as well.

I enjoyed the use of two POVs. Kaos had a very different, contrasting personality from Serenity and that fact that he was part of the enemy made it a very interesting read.

The last thing I'm going to say is that while I appreciate photos at the end instead of entire chapters of them. Utilise your graphics to interact with your readers, especially if you're on Wattpad. So instead of saying 'this is Serenity,' put a single like thanking readers for reading and encourage them to leave a comment.

That's all. Happy writing, and I can't wait to read more of your story!