Shut Up and Review

#25: Friendship Love

Hello, okay. Right, when you write a story you are taking on the job as a fictional creator, a wordsmith and your job is to use words to create amazing stories that your readers can follow and picture every scene. Writers are artists, only most of us don't paint with watercolours or acrylic, not oils or pastels, our tools are our words, and it's up to us to paint a masterpiece worth reading. Not something that will be tossed to the side. Forgotten. Unread.
You have some really cute characters here and there's lovely heartwarming scenes between them.
It might be best to slow the pace down a bit as the first chapter covers the characters between the ages of seven and eighteen. This is a huge time gap to skip in one chapter. When it comes to my own books I tend to have them take place in the space of a year, whereas you've had the first chapter take place in the space over several.

I will admit I think the writer's note would be better to go at the end of the book, instead of at the beginning of the first chapter.

The most important thing about any story is the beginning. If you can grab hold of readers and not let them go, then you've got them, and they'll read from beginning to end. Unfortunately there isn't a hook in this story at all. A hook is what you write to grab the reader and make them want to read your story. When I read this, I can't see a hook, and it doesn't make me want to continue reading it. But I will.

This story starts in someone's pov, which is in technical terms known as third person. This way of writing uses words like them, they, he, she, etc and like all points of views, shouldn't be announced.

Third person is the clearest way of writing.

I do believe this story needs a little bit more work.
There are spelling and grammatical errors through this chapter and it is clear that it has not been edited to the standard most readers require. There are free apps and software you can use to help you to edit this book, have a look at Grammarly, for example.

All numbers should be written out, so seven, eight, etc, instead of in their numerical form. This is the correct way of writing numbers. There are a lot of missing words. I believe from reading this that it is a beginners work, but it does need editing as there are a multiple of beginner mistakes.

When writing in the past tense, you're using words like was, then, there, etc. It is important that when writing you choose which tense you plan to use and stick to it. Here we have words of past tense mixed with present tense. Consistency is key.

Another thing I can't help but notice are the info dumps about each character. Again, this is a beginner's mistake. It's much better for your readers and for yourself as you develop your skills, to add the information about each character gradually to the chapters, instead of just dumping it all in the same paragraph. Photographs of random kids also don't belong in books.

I really think it would help you to find a read for read book club to gain valuable feedback on your work. If you take time with it and talk to other writers, join a read for read book club and a writing community, and take time to improve your writing, then your book, like anyone's book, could become a bestseller. You could be the next JK Rowling, if only you work hard to improve. Anything is possible, if you want it enough.

I know what I've said is harsh, you did pick me and I'm a harsh reviewer, but don't discard what I've said. I know what I'm talking about. Take notes of this review and learn about writing.

I wish you the best of luck with your story and I'd love to review it again in the future when you've had time to improve it.