Shut Up and Review

#31: Jynx

The story begins by immersing us into the sci-fi world. It's great for world- building and immediately sets the tone of the story and the protagonist. It also immersed me into the Skyphone just as deeply as Kathie, to the point where I could resonate with her irritation at her mother.

There was a lot of backstory though and it bordered on info-dumping. I think one of the questions to ask is how important is it to give every little detail in the first chapter. How important is it to know the origins of her mother? Could the backstory of her father have waited till chapter two? Little questions like that help space your information and make the story easier to follow.

I did, also notice a lot of showing rather than telling. Especially in conversations. Remember that while adverbs are great, using expressions and behaviour makes the character even more relatable. So instead of saying, "she said disgustedly," consider describing her expression to let the readers know she is disgusted. You could, for instance, say "she said, scrunching her nose and puckering her face as if taken by a terrible smell." She still looks disgusted, but here you've explained it without stating it outright, also called "Showing."
Similarly, describe how the mother looks and behaves rather than just using "said." While we can't get into the mother's mind, Kathie can see her mother's flared nostrils for instance, or her folded arms. She might even hear the tone of her voice remain sharp or raise in pitch. These are all examples of using Showing to describe your character's behaviour.

The racism that she experiences because of her birth and race is really well- described. However, if it was introduced by an example instead of an outright statement it would be far more impactful. You can for instance insert a scene here where she recalls the way she is treated differently. You might also omit this entirely for now and bring it up when she faces abuse in the story itself.

Long paragraphs of narrative tend to cause readers to lose interest, and as

important as it may seem to you, the story often works well without it. One of the very memorable things I was taught about world-building is that it's like an iceberg. Most of it will never surface. And that's okay.

I did also notice that your tenses sometimes switch from past to present. It doesn't happen a lot, but it does have a way of sneaking through. My advice here would be to read and reread your chapter before hitting publish and then reread it once more. Some applications help maintain your grammar too (such as Grammarly), try installing them to see if they make a difference.

Sometimes your narration of the events was a little too detailed. Many things can be left implied and the readers will understand regardless. For instance, you don't have to mention every small ritual that the characters undergo before and during dinner.
I also noticed that you've used passive voice quite frequently in this story. Passive voice takes the attention away from the protagonist and makes the story read like a report. Avoid passive voice as much as you can. For instance, you've mentioned how Ben was surprised to see Kathie's dishevelled appearance. However, instead of narrating it, if you had used conversation, deep POV or even active voice, it would have read something like this:
She caught her brother, Ben on her way to the toilet. He looked her up and down, eyes slightly narrowing and then immediately widening at the state of her hair. And she could guess why, but it didn't matter to her.

This is just a rough example but it reads less like a report and more like a story. You can even add a little conversation between the two.

I did, however, love the way you described the apartment. The way the description began was very natural and it flowed really well too.

I'm going to end this review with a huge apology. I took far too long to get this done and I'm incredibly sorry. I did enjoy your story and i think it has the potential to be a really good piece.