Jonathan

The house I

"I'm thinking about opening Enderby Hall"

"Oh, I see. And where is this idea coming from, Jonathan?"

"Do you think Minna would like to establish herself there?"

"Is that what you want?... I know you are upset, sweetheart. Shouldn't we talk about that instead?"

"Nobody wants to talk about that.  My sisters don't want to see me crying, Cynthia decided I shall not be served and do things by myself, my cousins want me to go out and enjoy the air and you are more concerned about my mother!"

"I'm here, I'm I not?" Stella said kindly.

"Anyway, do you think she would? Your daughter I mean..." Jonathan said in a lower voice pulling himself together again.

"I'm sure she would do whatever you say"

"But she always liked it. Didn't she? You told me and she always... She, she likes it, right?"

"Of course she does" Stella said as extended her arm to put her warm hand on his.

The prince had been in bed for already too long. Grief didn't seem to be able to evolve into anything other than this state of numbness of being suspended in space and time.

It was not long after his sixteenth birthday, four months actually, that life seemed to gather quite a strength to hit him and this time it all became too much.

But it was not like he said, nobody wanted to talk about it, there was someone.

Benjamin was probably the only person he felt at ease with, he didn't smile, he didn't talk and he didn't cry, but his presence was just right and a cup of tea, a hug in bed at night his look of compassionate eyes where the only company that didn't hurt him to have around and for moments he felt the only one who could heal him back to life, if that was even possible. But he couldn't throw all the sorrow and darkness onto such gentle creature, one or two words and Ben's reaction made Jonathan realize that he couldn't torture him like that, so he didn't.

After running in screams to his room the previous night from an attempt of return to normality, only she followed him. At that family dinner everyone expected him to act as if nothing happened, and he just couldn't bare it, everything happened. How could they expect him to feel normal when he felt nothing and everything at the same time?

It wasn't the first time he saw her since his latest life struggles, he knew Lavinia was welcomed in this small intimate circle he built only for him.

Lavinia showed him who she was and gave him what he wanted and nobody else would give him. He would cry, not like he did in Benjamin's arms, feeling relief but waiting to feel ready to stop, he needn't to stop with her, he didn't have to do anything he didn't want with her. She asked him even when he stopped talking. He could tell her everything, every moment as he lived it, every thought, going over and over again, the things he did wrong, the ones he wished he'd done, the thoughts he had everytime he looked at an object that brought memories, what the weather triggered, everything. She would hear it all, she would see what nobody else wanted to see. Him destroyed, his pain and despair. He felt he could be himself with Lavinia and she would not leave. So she stayed.

It couldn't have been easy, but she was willing to do anything for him and she sometimes felt she might be dragged into his darkness herself. It was her strength and probably her love that always brought her back to her senses, because she thought once he sees anything other than himself and his grief, the first thing he'll look out will be her face and she had to be ready to hold his hand and pull him out of this well of dark and dense waters.

"Why did you have that girl here last night?" Stella inquired waiting for the lion to wake up and blow her face with his growl.

"I don't know, she makes me feel..." Jonathan said looking away from the bed towards the window.

The clarity of the fully cloudy day gave his face an even paler look, with his eyes still looking down he stopped himself and looked right at her.

"...why you ask?" He said confused.

His godmother was surprised by this attitude. She expected a defiant look, which often gave even to her when feeling questioned and had no particular concerns on discussing his lust in anger with whoever decided to corner him as if he would feel any shame whatsoever.

"I am here, you know? I'm not going anywhere..." She said until she was interrupted.

"She wants to. She wants to be with me and she has no special requests, I didn't ask her. I don't ask her. I don't need to ask her for anything she just exists and that's all that matters. Truth is I don't want her to leave when she comes"

"Are you in love with her?"

"What? No! That's not what I mean. What? If I'm in love with her? I don't know, I don't care. That's not... I'm not saying that. I'm just. Forget it"

The feeling of frustration invaded him and he gave up, because he had no enough strength to care.

Stella on the other hand knew she ruined it, even if she got the wrong end of the stick, that's  not why she was there. What was she thinking? He was clearly slightly opening up to her and she diminished it all to a shameful affair instead of listening to him. She felt saddened with herself having thought the boy could be so shallow.

"As if I didn't know him" she thought to herself.

"In our darkest times we often find relief in the most unexpected ways. It comes with a new knowledge about ourselves, and those around us often feel tested, some others could become more aware of who we are and not everyone is ready for that discovery. Grief is a place very lonely and if your choices are risky you may not always find the comfort you thought you would, but if you do although it may change you deeply you may learn something, become stronger or weaker, but you won't remain the same"

Jonathan listened to her words carefully and looked at her with sincere eyes. That seemed to calm him down and sent him to thoughts.

Stella caught in his gaze a tip of the mystery, that was to her, the lust tainted bond of love and hate that brought Lavinia and the prince together.

"If it is more than just a thought, I'll write to Wilhelmina and mention your intentions. Of course you can back off from it at any time, you know that. And it would be good for you she knows, I'm sure her ideas and support will make things easy for you in case you go ahead with it all"

"Thank you, yes. Hmm, let me know what she says" the prince responded a bit disoriented by the change of topic.

All of the sudden he looked lively by a thought and asked.

"Do you know Tod Gramont? What's he like?" His face changed as he realized what he said and added.

"Never mind"

"Oh, ok, sweet... are you alright?" Stella interrupted herself.

Jonathan was red in the face, he was just too embarrassed coming out like that. But a knock on the door saved him.

Jacob waited for permission and came in with some tea to offer and asked what they wanted to have for food.

Tod Gramont was a noble that recently has shown particular interest in Lavinia, as too many men did, of course. Truth is he would probably in the future be considered for marriage. Lavinia was wearing a bracelet of pearls he's given her and Jonathan just noticed it recently. It was stupid for him to bring up anything connected with Lavinia to Stella just now.

Him and Lavinia had a previous conversation about the bracelet and she enjoyed particularly his questions and to hear him say he was a jealous. But since they've been together these days, all their talks about things unrelated to his grief, were in a complete relaxed and amiable manner. Whether be because he felt too weak for fights or because on perspective nothing seemed now, to matter too much.