The Magnolia Café

Chapter 36

"Good morning, Doctor."

"Morning Isabella. How are you feeling today?"

"Great. My brother is visiting. I missed him a lot, so it has been great having him around."

"We'll circle back to that in a moment, but first I want to know if there's anything in your journal you would like to go over with me."

"As a matter of fact, there is. I was at work a couple of days ago. My first day back after my break. For no reason, I just felt depressed, so I took note of it."

"What happened that day?"

"Nothing bad. That's the problem. We had a welcome back breakfast for me, before work, and then it was a usual day. We then talked about Christmas, and I realized it could somehow be related. But it was just a fleeting mood, so I didn't make much of it. Am I regressing, Doctor? Am I not making enough progress?"

"This is not a race. You are doing fine. Moments like this are perfectly normal and you made the right thing. You took note of it. That's the first step, acknowledging those moments." I nod. "And having you brother around, how is that making you feel?"

"Great. I love Nico. It's feels amazing having him around, especially at this time of the year. We were very close growing up. At home, it was pretty much just the two of us."

"And your parents?"

"They were never around much. They used their job as an excuse, but the truth is, they are the type of people that should've ever had kids."

"Why do you think that?"

"They aren't affectionate or caring people. They have a good mind for business and number and that's about it. My brother and I, growing up, had to look perfect and be perfect, perfect in sports, school, have multiple extracurricular activities... But just in front of their friends and in front of the cameras at parties and events. At home, they didn't care about us. Sometimes I felt like they even forgot we were there."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Abandoned." Abandoned... That word echoes in my mind for a few moments. That's exactly how I have felt all this time. All my life. "I had Nico, but it wasn't the same. I suppose that's why I stuck with Peter despite all the red flags. I was desperate to find a place where I belonged, a place where I was wanted and needed."

"And you thought Peter would be that for you?"

"I don't know. I didn't think anyone could be that. I just wanted someone to look at me and say that they wanted me, and they needed me and that I mattered. He was the first to do that, and I was younger and more naïve."

"You wanted someone to say you were enough."

I gulp. "That's exactly it. I wanted to be enough for someone else. Not enough for me. I was always looking for external validation and that was what my relationship with Peter brought me. And I guess Peter was looking for someone that needed him and wouldn't leave no matter what he did. In a way, for a time I guess, we were perfect for in each other. Not in a good way, though."

"And then he left you."

"I was abandoned again." I exhale. "I guess that's one of the roots of my problems. Abandonment. I've always tried to be something I wasn't, what it what expected of me, so that I wouldn't be left behind. But Peter left. Thankfully, he left and saved me the trouble, but still. When I arrived here, I realized I hadn't kept any connections from my precious life. My so-called friends abandoned as well me. I guess all my efforts still weren't enough."

"And why do you think that happened?"

"I think I know why. Connor helped me realize it. I pushed people away. I think I fully get it now. I was so afraid of being abandoned and not being enough that I just avoided any type of connection. It's a bit of a conundrum, huh? I pushed people away because if I don't have anyone, I can't be left by anyone, and I don't have anyone saying I'm not enough, but alone, I still looked for external validation."

"But you aren't like that anymore. What did you think has changed in you that allowed you to make friends, to get closer to Connor?"

"I stopped caring. I think."

"About what?"

"About not being enough for others. About the external validation. For the first time in my life, I started looking for myself."

"And why was that?"

"I had nothing besides myself at that point. If I'm my own best friend, I might as well treat her right."

Doctor Reed shows a small smile. "And how are things with Connor?"

"Great. Amazing, actually..."

"But?"

Damn, she's good... How did she know there was a 'but' somewhere in there?

"I know it's stupid, but sometimes I feel that this is too good to be true. That one day I'll woke up, back at my old apartment and Connor won't be there."

"It's not stupid, it's perfectly normally given what you've been through and you're healing process."

"But how do I know that won't happen? That he'll just leave one day, just like Peter?"

"You can never know for sure. There's just one certainty in life. But do you think Connor will leave?"

I shake my head. "He's nothing like Peter."

"There's your answer."