Flash

Shit or Get Off the Pot

Featuring: JOHN (age 92), ELSIE (89),

Their children DARLENE (65), JOHN JUNIOR (63), KRYSTAL (60)

Darlene's children: AMOS, ANNA, PIERRETTE

John Junior's children: HAROLD, PAUL (Emma and Jane are absent because they hate family parties, for good reason)

Krystal has no children, officially, except for a love child in Venezuela, but we won't go into that.

SCENE: The Private Dining Room of Perkin's Pizzaria and Viennese Pastry.

JOHN: Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to help us celebrate our 67th anniversary. The champagne was particularly tasty this year.

ELSIE: And thank you, Darlene, for taking up a collection to help pay for all this. It's not easy to throw a fancy party on a fixed pension. Prices keep going up all the time.

DARLENE: You're welcome. We got a nice discount because this is our twentieth party here. I can hardly wait until your platinum anniversary in three years. I'm going to set up a Go Fund Me campaign for a second honeymoon. I know your first one wasn't quite what you dreamed of, because you went into premature labour, but that won't happen this time.

ELSIE: Don't put a deposit on anything. John and I are thinking of divorcing.

PIERETTE: Are you crazy, Nana? Do you know what divorces cost these days?

JOHN: Maybe we could get by with a legal separation. What do you think, Elsie?

ELSIE: Absolutely not. I want a decree absolute in hand in case I meet someone else.

DARLENE: Mom, you're almost 90. Who's going to want you?

ELSIE: That's exactly the kind of thing your father has been saying for the past 60 years. Well, I want to find out if he's right.

ANNA: Waytogo, Nana!

JOHN JUNIOR: It's too late for a divorce now. You have a symbiotic relationship.

JOHN: Yeah, like an ingrown toenail that just keeps getting worse and worse.

KRYSTAL: Could we keep it civil, please? This is supposed to be a celebration!

HAROLD: Maybe some family therapy would be appropriate.

PAUL: Oh, come off it, Harold! You think therapy is the answer to everything!

HAROLD: Friendship counseling was invaluable when I got my divorce. We were able to settle out of court and Leslie and I still keep in touch on Twitter.

DARLENE: We need a plan. What are we going to do about this?

AMOS: Nothing, Mom. The last time I looked, Gramps and Nana were legal adults. They don't need us to interfere.

DARLENE: How about a trial divorce? One of us could host Mom for an extended visit.

JOHN: I'd like to go deep-sea fishing in the Gulf of Mexico.

JOHN JUNIOR: So would I. But I don't retire for two years. Maybe Paul could go with you. He's unemployed right now.

KRYSTAL: That's ridiculous. Travel insurance is almost impossible to get when you're over ninety.

JOHN: So what? I don't like doctors anyway. If I croak, just throw me overboard and let the fish eat me. God knows I've eaten enough of them.

PIERRETTE: You know, I'm getting pretty sick of this. We have the same conversation every year, and nothing ever happens. Nana, Gramps, make up your minds while you still have minds to make up! Shit or get off the pot! You're running out of time.

Elsie: John, Pierrette has a point. Are we going to do this, or not?

John: The kids seem to be taking this kind of hard. Maybe we should wait until they're dead.