Flash

Puss in Show Biz

"Brace yourself," the lawyer said. "The news is not good. Your father's pulp mill is in receivership. All assets are frozen. Your cushy vice-presidential career is over."

"What about the family trust funds?" Eric asked.

"Your father borrowed from them in an attempt to salvage his business. Yours has $9,400 in it. Your brother Ralph's account, unfortunately, has a total of $3.70. However, there is a provision in the will regarding Ralph. He gets the cat."

"Well, that's a relief, at least," Eric said. "That cat was a pain in the butt, always sniffing everything and looking insufferably superior, like he would know what to do if someone just asked him."

"Will you see to it that Ralph gets the cat?" the lawyer asked.

"Gladly."

The cat was not easy to catch. Eric was bleeding from deep scratches in his arms by the time he managed to stuff it into its pet taxi. He took it to Ralph's studio apartment with a grin on his face. Now maybe that lazy no-good brother of his would pull up his socks and get a job instead of playing video games all day. He hadn't even bothered coming to the reading of the will.

Ralph was in the middle of Level 14 of Kosmic Kitties, so their conversation was short. Eric put the pet taxi on the floor along with the litter box and the last of the cat food and went home to update his resume.

The cat waited patiently until Ralph finished playing, then started making strange noises and refused to shut up. After Ralph listened for a while, he realized that the cat was speaking human speech.

"What are you going to do with me?" the cat asked.

"I was going to take you to the Humane Society to be re-homed. But a talking cat -- that might be worth something!"

"Buy me a computer and I'll show you just how valuable I can be."

"Buy you a computer? I can barely afford a pizza. But you can have my old one, if you can actually use it. It's too slow for advanced gaming, but okay for most other things."

"Computers were designed for cats. Haven't you noticed that they come with a mouse?"

The cat turned out to be very good at using both the mouse and the keyboard. Before the day had ended, he had set up a monetized U-Tube account and made three ten-minute videos. "Katty Kommentary" was in business.

The next day, Ralph's girlfriend Angelique came over. She had watched the videos and loved them, and just had to talk to the star of the show, who had re-branded himself as Percival the Wisdom Cat.

"Percy, you are awesome," she gushed. "I've told everyone on my contact list about you. You are going to go viral."

"I really need some costumes," Percy said. "Would you make me some? I'll give you credit every time I wear one."

It took a couple of weeks for Katty Kommentary to go viral. After that, the money started pouring in faster than Ralph could deposit it. A year later, he had a lovely acreage with a giant catio and a lucrative cat cafe. People were more than willing to pay $25 for a cup of coffee and the possibility of catching a glimpse of Percy.  Angelique moved in with Ralph and Percy and concentrated on her new business, Kitty Kostumes, which she sold at the cat cafe until her business was bought out by Universal Pet Supplies for two and a half million dollars.

Percy included the other cats as guest stars in his show. None of them ever learned to talk, but he would translate for them. They discussed all the hot issues of the day from a feline point of view, and dispensed snappy advice to humans. Percy and his gang were interviewed on all the big talk shows and were invited to private audiences with Queen Elizabeth, the Pope, and Donald Trump. They politely told Elizabeth that they would not come unless she got rid of her corgis. The pope hailed their utterances as "a new, feline vision for humanity." Donald Trump found them very annoying because they did not agree with his opinions, and said that they should be humanely disposed of. That unleashed the Animal Activist riot which ended his political career.

Percy lived to be sixteen years old. Ralph and Angelique got married and had four children, who all adored cats and video games. Katty Commentary isn't the same without Ralph, but the kids do a pretty good job of impersonating him, wearing cat costumes designed by their mother.

Never underestimate the power of a cat.