Midnight Thoughts ~ Shadow & Bone

18

That night, I stood at the window of our room, staring across the city. Ravka was different than I remembered. Maybe it was because I no longer had the outlook of a child. I no longer looked at the world with hope or faith because I had seen first-hand that even the things you believe in the most will disappoint you in the end.

Or maybe it was the very opposite. Last time I had been in Kribirsk, I was alone, surrounded by a world that wanted to condemn me to life as a slave. I had no one to trust, no one to confide in, no one to listen. But now I had come back with years of experience and friends by my side. I had people I knew I could trust with my life and knew how to tell when I was being deceived.

But regardless of what was different, the idea of being home, seeing the Little Palace again, seeing my father again... I wasn't sure that was something I wanted the Crows to see. I wasn't sure it was something I wanted Kaz to see. I had been manipulated and lied to my whole life, and however much I wished it wasn't, the notion that I could possibly be tricked again and they would be there to witness was overwhelming.

A faint clicking broke through my thoughts, and I took a breath to compose myself as Kaz walked up beside me. He stood there for a while, not saying anything but gazing out the window with me.

"How are you going to get into the Little Palace?" he asked quietly after a few minutes. I sighed.

"I have an idea about that," I said softly. "You won't like it though." He looked down at me, and I hesitantly met his gaze. "I'm going to see my grandmother." He frowned and shook his head quickly.

"That is, quite possibly, the worst idea you've ever had, and that's saying something." I sighed.

"Kaz, she's the one that convinced me to leave," I told him. "She wouldn't turn me in. Honestly, she would probably try to tell me to get out." I turned to face him fully, and he did the same. "There are tunnels scattered throughout the entire grounds. I got out through one hidden in her house. She doesn't live in the Palace, I can sneak in with no one knowing." He sighed and looked down.

"I don't like it," he muttered. I rolled my eyes.

"I told you you wouldn't." He looked up at me, furrowing his brows gently.

"Do you trust her?" I nodded without hesitation.

"She's one of the few people in this world that I do trust." He nodded.

"If you trust her... then okay." I nodded and smiled a bit, looking out the window again. Kaz shifted on his feet beside me, and I chuckled under my breath. "Who else?" I looked up at him, furrowing my brows slightly.

"What?" I asked quietly.

"You said your grandmother was one of the few people in the world you trusted," he said. "Who else?" He shrugged. "Who else do you trust?" I sighed and smiled softly up at him.

"One of my old friends from the Little Palace, the one that helped me onto the skiff. Inej, Jesper." I nudged him gently with my elbow. "And you." He smiled a bit at that. "What about you? Who's managed to worm their way into your heart enough for you to trust them?" He sighed.

"Not many," he muttered. "Inej and Jesper." He smirked down at me. "And you." I chuckled and shook my head.

"Don't tell me the Ravkan air is making you sentimental, Brekker," I murmured. He chuckled and shook his head.

"No. Just you." His eyes met mine, and he spoke sincerely. "It's only you that makes me like this... Open, trusting... Kind..." I smiled softly.

"I don't think it's me that makes you kind, Kaz," I said honestly. "I think you've always been that way. Maybe you only show it around me, but... I don't believe you're as cold-hearted as you seem to think you are." I brushed a wisp of hair out of his eyes carefully. "I told you, I can see through your stony, haughty exterior. I know you care more than you let on." He stared down at me but said nothing. "Even if you lock it away around everyone else and never let anyone see that side of you... you don't have to around me." I smiled and shook my head. "It's my favorite part of you, Kaz! Every time I see you go to the lengths you do to keep us safe or with you or content with where they are in life, it makes me forget everything that's happened." I shrugged, and my smile grew. "You're one of the most feared people in Ketterdam. You're ruthless and cold and brutal... but you make me happy." He stared at me intently, scanning every inch of my face with his icy eyes that made grown men shudder but reminded me of the rare days that the sun was visible in Ketterdam and reflected off of the water.

"Karlin," he murmured softly, "you are... ineffable."

i had an adhd moment and went MIA again so have another chapter

also this is one of my favorite things ive ever written :D 

btw ineffable is my favorite lol :) what's yours?