Midnight Thoughts ~ Shadow & Bone

19

As the Pomdrakon Players wagon pulled through the wall into the inner part of Os Alta, Inej turned to Kaz and me.

"So," she said, "how are you getting in?" Kaz glanced at me, then back at her.

"I'll be disguising myself as a guard," he told her. Jesper and Arken looked over at us as well, and Kaz nodded towards me. "She has her own plan." I nodded surely, and he looked down at me. "How soon do you need to leave?" I glanced out of the window carefully and sighed.

"Probably whenever you stop to get a guard's uniform is when I'll head off," I told him. "It's not too far from here. It won't take me long to get there, no matter where I start." He nodded and looked between the other three in the carriage.

"Alright," he said. "Let's go." He knocked twice on the roof of the coach, and it slowed to a stop. Kaz pushed the door open and climbed out, holding it open as I stepped out behind him. He looked down at me and lowered his voice. "Remember the plan. Be careful getting in and meet me in the laundry room when you can." I chuckled quietly and nodded.

"I know the plan, Kaz," I assured him. He nodded shakily and glanced around before pulling me around the back of the carriage. He wrung his hands together, and I furrowed my brows, looking up at him. "Kaz? What is it?" He gulped and lifted a shaking hand to press it against my cheek. I subconsciously leaned into his touch, and his breathing hitched. I stared up at him. "Kaz..." He shook his head.

"Don't," he murmured. "You were right. I can't best this for you. But I will best this for me. Because I want to be able to do this. I want to be able to touch you and not–... And not feel like I'm drowning." I scanned his face, his eyes for any hint that he was afraid or that he was pushing himself too far. But I found none. Instead, I found a determination that I had never seen before. Determination that appeared stronger than the most powerful wind and fiercer than the hottest flame.

The carriage shook a bit as Arken, Inej, and Jesper climbed out of it, and Kaz carefully tilted my head forward, brushing his lips against my forehead so lightly that I almost didn't feel it. But his hand shook and his firm stance faltered as he took a shaky breath.

"Kaz," I whispered. "It's okay. You don't have to push yourself." I smiled softly up at him. "Take it one step at a time." He gulped and nodded, dropping his hand and stepping back as Inej walked up behind him. She smiled at me.

"You heading off then?" she asked sweetly. I sighed and nodded, and she stepped forward to wrap me in a gentle hug. "Be careful." I nodded and jokingly saluted them before turning on my heel and making my way through the city. Periodically glancing over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't being followed, I eventually made it to the edge of the city. I sighed and ducked behind the correct building. I counted the bricks and smiled a bit when I found the right one. I crossed my fingers and took a deep breath before pressing the brick into the wall.

A narrow portion of it slid away, and I gulped, slipping between the slats and pulling the wall back into place. The tunnel was pitch black, but that was exactly how I liked it. It meant that no one had the slightest chance of seeing me, but I could see everything I needed.

I cautiously stepped forward, inching my foot towards the old ladder and climbing down it carefully. I jogged through the small passage for miles until I finally came upon the ladder at the other end. I took a shaky breath before climbing the rusted rungs. I pushed open the wooden hatch at the top of the climb and glanced around the musty cave. I heard a fire crackling in the other room and slowly lowered the hatch closed behind me, setting it gently back in its place without making any noise.

I quietly stepped towards the other room, and despite it all, a small smile found its way to my lips as I spotted the old woman sitting with her back to me. I took a deep breath before speaking.

"Hello, grandmother," I called quietly. She spun around, looking up at me with a shocked expression.

"Karlin..," she murmured, standing up slowly. I let out a small breath and smiled a bit.

"Babya..." I rushed towards her and wrapped my arms around her tightly. She rubbed my back gently as I buried my head in my arms.

"Child," she said softly, "what are you doing here?" I sighed and stepped back.

"I did as you said and went to Kerch," I told her. "I've been in Ketterdam for the last nine years. I met people there that I trust. They're some of the only people I still trust, the others being you and Zoya." She sighed and shook her head.

"But why are you back?" I glanced around the hut cautiously.

"I'm on a job," I muttered. "I can't say what." I shook my head. "But I need into the Little Palace." She shook her head quickly.

"You must leave, Karlin," she hissed. "If he finds out your back, he'll-"

"He'll what?" I questioned sharply. "Ruin my life? Make me regret coming back? I already do, babya." I stood up straighter, staring harshly down at her. "But they were going to come with or without me, and I'll be damned if something happens to them because I wasn't there to help them." She narrowed her eyes, trying to get me to back down, but if my time with the Crows had taught me nothing else it taught me that when you have something important to you, you can't back down for anything. Not even family.

She sighed and waved me toward the side of the room.

"Come," she muttered. "I may not be able to convince you not to go back. But the least I can do is try to make sure he doesn't know you're there." She glanced up at me. "Can you feel him?" I shook my head.

"I used to," I said softly. "For months after I left, I could feel his anger. Across Ravka, the Fold, the True Sea, Kerch... I could still feel it. And then it stopped. Out of nowhere." I frowned. "It scared me at first. My whole life, I had been able to feel him. And then I couldn't." She stopped and looked up at me.

"And you have no idea why?" I shook my head. "When did it happen?" I furrowed my brows and thought hard about what was happening when the connection was severed.

"It was a little over a year after I left," I murmured. "I had just come to the Crow Club. Became a part of the Dregs." She nodded.

"You'd found a home," she told me. "A place where you belonged. You didn't need your father's hand on your shoulder to guide you anymore, not that you really did in the first place." She turned back to a small crevice in the wall and pulled out a guard's uniform. "I usually keep these for my personal guard. Never thought I would be giving it to my granddaughter to help her sneak into the Little Palace." I took it from her thankfully and smirked.

"I was always full of surprises, right?" She sighed and shook her head, but I saw amusement behind her dark eyes.

"Go," she said. "And please, for once in your life, be careful." I sighed dramatically.

"If I must," I joked. I paused as I went to leave and shook my head, hugging her tightly for what could've been the last time, depending on how tonight went. "Thank you, babya. Be safe." She stepped back and nodded, pushing me towards the door gently.

I couldn't bring myself to look back as I ducked out of my grandmother's home and into the chilling night.