Midnight Thoughts ~ Shadow & Bone

5

just a heads up, this is a quite short chapter

but it's a big one, plot-wise :]

I stayed up late that night, waiting for everyone else to fall asleep. Kaz was the exception. I knew he wouldn't sleep, that's why I stayed up. He had wandered off upon leaving us on the roof, and the others were all waning in and out of unconsciousness when he finally returned. I stood as he walked through the door and pointed to him before gesturing to the door.

"We're going to the roof," I told him as I stepped past him. "Let's go." He turned his head only slightly to peer over his shoulder.

"I just got back." I stopped and looked back at him.

"We're going to the roof," I repeated firmly. For a few moments, we just stood there. Staring. Until eventually he sighed and nodded, following me up the same roof we had stood on to watch our home be destroyed. I forced my shaking hands into my pockets as I waited for the clicking of his cane to come closer.

"Do you know why I ran away from my home?" I asked him quietly as he came to a stop behind me. "Why I left Ravka? Everything I knew? And came here. A new home, a new world. Do you know why?" It was silent for a moment before he spoke.

"Your father." I sighed.

"Yes, but why? Nobody leaves the only place they've ever known because of the presence of one person. What is it he did that forced me away?" There was no response. I smiled tightly and nodded. "He made plans that involved me without telling me a word." I turned ninety degrees and looked up at him. "He used me and planned to use me to carry out his own agenda without ever telling me what it was for or what was at stake." I tilted my head as he met my eye. "Sound familiar?" He took a slow, deep breath and shook his head.

"You know what's at stake here," he claimed. "You know why I have to do this."

"Yes, I do, but they don't, Kaz!" I reminded him. "Inej, Jesper, Wylan, Nina." I shook my head. "The people you are using to get what you want, they have no idea what they're doing or why!"

"Then why are they still here?"

"Inej and Jesper are here because they are loyal to you. Nina is here because you made a deal. Wylan is here because I have proven that he can trust me. But you haven't. You have proven nothing and you have told them nothing, and take it from someone who knows, that is how you lose exactly the thing you are trying to keep hold of." He looked away from me, and I sighed and shook my head. "I was used, and I left. And I never went back. You saw what became of me and my father because he thought he could use me. Is that really what you want for you and your Crows?" His eyes snapped back to meet mine.

"Our Crows..." I frowned sadly and shook my head.

"Your Crows. Our Crows are led by someone who trusts his team. Our Crows tell each other what they're getting themselves into. Our Crows are a family." I shook my head again. "This isn't a family, Kaz. This is a monarchy led by a bastard instead of a king." Behind the stony expression on his face, a spark of surprise lit up in his ice-covered eyes. But I didn't allow myself the luxury of knowing I had shocked him. I turned away from him and left him there, alone.