MAUDLIN MAWS▪︎Poetry (3)

5. Sixth stage of grief

At arm's reach I keep what feels like a turbulent throbbing
Incased inside a mantelpiece
Fire mere grim charcoal fixed on reluctance and languid mutism
Grit ceased to be untamed
Now mild the tumult of the blaze is wilting to a lackluster
An excellent darkness barely relative to my age

Pinch the hem of the lid
Slide past my adjusted and neat false front
Those well behaved steps I learned to demonstrate for being breedable
Celebrated for fitting standards
Cooperative to the plan of the script
Engaging with child-like innocence
Never charing more than an adorable smile and a fine, thank you
Spoon-fed with such virulent mediocrity
In hope of sustaining my shame
Killing my pride and dignity
Dancing in a picture with no sound
It might just be the moderate violence
I couldn't fight off over the years
Or just the prettiest maladaptive thought of having someone giving a damn
Spinning me around on that glitter-decked pedestal
Filling my heart and my mouth with delectable cinnamon butterflies
Without a predicament
Who didn't end up withering in my guts

Hands stretched around my throat
I choke myself in disgust
Edging the desire to die like a sexual instinct
Arousing my breathing to cease
A discipline my heart followed to be unwilling
Yet I continued
Helpless asking to be triggered and comforted by the same tool
Get me on my knees
I'll always be glad to bleed

Stealthy the sweetheart comes back to me at arm's reach
She's loving illusive in her mannerisms
Cannibal lover
She's throbbing in a worm-eaten strawberry punnet
Limpid basking in her own twisted heaven
Wasted with rotten auburn liquor Succulent on her chest it draws
In lines of spoiled notions of conviction To her feet in egocentric values of power
A potential that might rule out my delicacy
Do away with my empathy deliberately
Free and loose from their use
That sucked me dry to a limp rose
Abused my words to a frail mumble of immaturity
While they diminished my worth and
oppressed my body as an act of fine dominance

Thought of my father and how anaware he was
Then spit back
Thought of my mother and how miserable she was
Then drew a laugh
Who said you were the first one to pressure damage into me ?
Witnessing punishment is an exemplar of a life's lesson
You dissect the ruin
The aggravating smell of rage at the dinner table
Grow a temper for manipulation
Acquire withholding affection in any context
And learn that hell was meant for the living
Damage does not break a person
It swallows
Hurts by demand
All for the necessity of standing on the precipice of your limits
Without giving in to the urge of jumping off the edge

Hold the turbulence close to my heart
Remember my name
Let out that pouring incredible anger
I ignored just because I was supposed to express gratitude
While I longed for a secret death
With the greatest pain to come and collect me
For the sake of putting out that red feeling
Somewhere where it could shatter normally

But I'm nothing like I used to be
Glossed over milk and water girly
I bit my tongue and tasted blood
Had meals with my worst enemy
sitting beside me in an empty room
Without conceding to the urge of digging in my throat in the bathroom
I touched my teeth the ones between my thighs
Eagerly elated promised myself
Shoulders shuddering lachrymose in my whimpering
You have the liberty to be incessant like the flow of your suffering

Roughly ripped with cuts still you crack crimson flames
Stain your arms with verve
I allow you to burn
Lash a wildfire
Serve your own judgment
Torment who harrowed your dusk's eye, torned your mind
Compensate in giving back virulent torrid warmth
Till it burns gelid revenge

24 august 2022