MAUDLIN MAWS▪︎Poetry (3)

9. Full of myself

Petals of my body I dunk in beauty Hoping confidence would stain the red hand of my unsecurities
Stick around long enough maybe it'll make the lodgement of my body dysmorphia inconspicuous, better to ignore
In the fretful evidence of the fitting room's mirror
Cramped against a wall bent in a way that made my guts convulse on my lungs' lobes
Spongy and treacherous

Pushing my ribs, the scanty breath shallow on the edge of death
I continue to shrink full of despair
Condensing the surface of my flesh between my black painted nails
Wincing assuaged with how well I tought myself to habituate to pain and dimune my appetite with caffeine
Hinder my size to a scale bellow the average of my body type
Praising the effort I made with a sort of errogance that can only be acquired after depriving yourself
To know the worth of holding back that hungry appetite, the cheap urge of the moment that ends up fleeting after every brutish consumption

I had no desire to be devoured by mindless wants and maximising impulses
From flecks of hapiness that last a sight's long
I decide to rather devour myself
Emblematically and literally

My childhood's yearnings the ones that clinged to the soles of my shoes
Are the sick impressions of the life I thought I deserved and I keep it underneath my tongue like a disregard  pill
My yellow dry cuticle
The stagnant fat of my thighs I keep avoiding to look at
Is a feeding plate for the calorie deficit regiment I abstained for myself
In hope of being effortlessly beautiful
Dull, bubble gum cologne on that spot behind the ears
Fitting somehow a baby pink coquette night dress
A sophisticated pussy if I might say
Sitting still threadbare and irreverent like a comestibles hunk of appealing furnishing

I am ephemeral the way my feelings glim
As I score victory capturing attention with my strance and deep brown mildew eyes
The sweeping feeling of loneliness, a courtesy of my exposure to people as I retreat to my isolated company
Sores with a an unending shake
Holds my compagnie again on the bathroom floor
I think I ended up binging on myself
and died by chance again

15 September 2022