Glimpse of it all

Sweet dreams part 1.

"Good night my babygirl. Have sweet dreams honey." I heard my moms sweet voice speaking to me from behind the door.

"Good night mum!" I was drowning myself in some artificial joy, not to worry her.

That night, sandman hasn't made his way into my room, and sweet dreams were definitely not what I dreamt of.

All I can remember is how many tears I shed, and how wet my pillow was.

I woke up the next day with the puffiest black eyes ever so I quickly hopped into the shower, which seemed like too much energy, to let the warm water do it's thing and hopefully mom wouldn't notice.

"Good morning mum." I said to her with some hope in my voice, in attempt to not seem too miserable.

Who am I kidding I'll always be the most miserable girl ever.

"Carina have u finished your homework for today?" My father yelled at me from across the room.

"Yes father." I said blankly, as I knew exactly what was gonna happen next.

*Bring it to me* I muttered under my breath.

"Bring it to me. Now." He screamed louder for me to hear him even though I was already doing so before he talked.

I gave them to him without saying a word, too tired to hold a conversation with him.

"Why is there a missing question in exercise 3?" He pointed out  the only question I couldn't solve. I stayed up late for hours squeezing my brain and I couldn't find an answer.

"I couldn't solve it it was too hard." I replied with a straight face.

"U couldn't? Oh heh." And the next thing I saw was his hand slapping my face harshly.

I backed up, holding my cheek, who was probably burning red, and stayed still.

"I apologize father." I was swallowing back my anger and tears.

"Go to school we'll speak about this when u come back."

I walked away with my red face, and my worthlessness to grab my stuff and walk to school.

"Are u okay hone-."

"Have a good day mum. Love u bye."

I left quickly, slamming the door while the last things I heard was my dad's muttering about how much of a disappointment I am.

I can't blame him, he's right.

I study everyday for hours, staying until 3 am sometimes to maintain my straight A's.

And the day I get the A- I'm a failure.

I get called names, I get slapped.

I breakdown. And cry myself to sleep every single time. 

I got to school and the first person I saw was Alan.

The only person who could get me through the days of mental abuse and crying, the only one that would get me to smile and cry at the same time.

I have never talked to him, nor has he ever done so.

He's busy with that girl from our class.

She's beautiful, she's intelligent, her parents are proud of her.

She's happy with who she is and she loves herself.

She's stable.

She's everything I couldn't be. And as much as he makes me smile, he's the reason I leave classes and spend hours in the bathroom cubicle crying, and collapsing.