𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓 𝐏𝐓. 𝟏 ⟆ 𝐒𝐎𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐍 ✓ [ EDITING ]

◜➷ chapter four - 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙 [ 전달 ]

❛ can anyone hear my strangled cries ? ❜

shoes are squeaking in the spacious practice room , sweat beading the five boy's forehead. it's been a while since they've practiced for so long without a brak. yet despote it all , soobin feels like he's still behind the rest. ever since he got that ill , he gets tired faster and his muscles ache after just ten minutes of practice. it's making him feel so disappointed in himself... how can someone like him remain in such a successful group?

"soobin-ssi , we can just rest now.... we've been practicing for four hours straight now!" yeonjun says abruptly stopping the music as the rest collapse onto the cool floor of the dance practice room , chests rising and falling rapidly as they try to catch their breaths.

hands on his hips , soobin's mind floods  with thoughts. if he stops now , he'll never get his condition back. hell , he'll just keep getting worse and worse. no vocals , no dance , no condition... he'll not only be removed as a leader but as a member in general. he has to continue no matter what the others say , no pathetic breaks... he has to keep going.

"but i need to get these steps right hyung" soobin says as taehyun shakes his head , propping himself up on his elbows to look to his leader.

"soobin-ah , you've been dancing perfectly in sync and in rythym , cut it out already. you're just tiring yourself and everybody else out!" taehyun says firmly as the tall leader laughs lightly.

"it's funny how you lie to my face" soobin says bitterly making the whole room go silent , so silent they can hear their ow sweat occasionally dripping to the floor.

soobin walks past the rest who follow his movements with their eyes and makes his way over to yeonjun who's still standing by the radio. he gives him a confused look , soobin ignoring it and turning good boy gone bad back on.

"soobin-ssi..." yeonjun says but trails off when the boy gives the elder a glare , walking away shortly afterwards.

soobin practices by himself until the first chorus , then beomgyu scrambles up to his feet , shortly followed by the two maknaes. yeonjun is left standing there in the back , carefully watching soobin's expression through the practice room's mirror. soobin can see the way his hyung's brows furrow with worry , and he can see the way the rest are glancing to the boy from time to time too.

why can't they just stop!?

i want them to care...

but not pity me...

soobin pushes the thoughts away momentarily , instead focusing thoroughly on his technique. he feels like he's in his own little bubble... a bubble of perfectionism , criticism and severe self hate that's suffocates him and only shrinks with each movement he makes. he can't even look at himself in the mirror properly because he starts chanting all of his insecurities into his ear , they're louder than any of his other thoughts and he can't quiet them down anymore.

soobin misses a couple of steps , making him slide across the floor with his left foot , which earns some glances between the members , the boy cursing under his breath. he's such a let down for the others , how cab he not get this perfect!?

"soobin hyung , please please please take a break and drink some water. maybe you're just too tired and that's why it's going wrong..." kai pouts as soobin inhales sharply , shaking his head as a response.

he's starting to feel a little dizzy , a loud humming in his ears , but ignores that and keeps practicing. the song finishes shortly , loser lover coming on as he bends over slightly to try and push away the feeling. why does he see white? and are the others talking? their mouths are moving... but all he can hear is that obnoxiously loud humming in his ears. his body feels weak , it's as if gravity weighs a million tons and he stumbles forward , fading into the darkness.

"gosh... i told him to eat his meals properly..." yeonjun's faint voice makes soobin's eyes blink , shortly fluttering open to see the four boys standing over him in his own bed.

"soobin hyung , are you okay?" beomgyu asks , being the first to notice his open eyes.

"yeah... what... happened?" soobin groans quietly as he sits up in the bed , rubbing the side of his painfully full head.

"hyung , you fainted..." taehyun answers in a whisper , sighing softly as he puts a cold compress to his head which grants some relief from the pounding headache.

"soobin-ssi , you're going to be put on a diet... because not only did you push your body too far... but you've also got an imbalance and lack of nutrients" yeonjun adds , standing at the end of the bed with his arms crossed and facial expression stern... and disappointed?

"s-so... i have malnutrition?" soobin questions , trying to swallow down the lump in his throat.

"don't worry hyung , i'll help you out , we all will!" beomgyu smiles , patting soobin's hair softly as soobin leans into his touch subconsciously.

"we'll get throigh this together! remember , we love you alright? you'll be okay in no time!" kai grins cutely , curling up next to soobin with his arm around him.

soobin smiles , nuzzling his face into kai's hair as beomgyu continues petting his hair. is it possible... that this very moment... is healing him? and can he really heal his heart once step at a time with them by his side? he can't tell right now , but he's found hope. there's nothing left to do , but just continue moving forward.