Behind her eyes

chapter 23

_Leyla_

"I'm so disappointed in you Leyla" mom I said and walk away.

I cried so much. I cried only for one reason and that is Ahmad. Ahmad said he hate me. I called him like 20 time in ten minutes. Now my calls are simply not going because they all blocked me. They all leave me.

"No!" I screamed and threw away all the things on my dresser. I broke so many things. Mom didn't bother to check on me today.

"Was it worth it leyla?"

Here I'm alone. I did everything simply because I don't want them to leave me alone but they did. Everyone does eventually.

**

Mom make breakfast every single day for 18 years of my life. Not today. Mom didn't cook anything.

I went out and saw her suit casein in the middle of the room.

"Good morning" I said but she didn't answer.

"Mom what is going on?" I asked.

" Leyla do you expect me to continue living in the same house with you? You watch your own brother die! You watch him take his last breath"

"Mom I did everything because of me. I just want you to love me like you love him!"

"Is there someone that love you more than me? When they throw you in the bin who picked you up? " She ask and suddenly I'm filled with anger.

"Thanks for the reminder. I really forget that you're not my biological mom. Well you can leave like everyone did" I said whipping.

"Leyla that's not what I mean. I need to to breath. I need Time because I can't put this all together. I'm going to your grandma's."

"Then go mom! Go! am I stopping you? You can leave forever if you want!"

I Walk back to my room and slammed the door. Normally mom would have come to my door and apologize. Today she simply take her suit case and left.

***

Life become miserable for me. I have no connection to anyone. No one is reaching out to me. No Care if I'm okay. Mom only send money to me. She is still not back home. What did I do to deserve this? I did everything out of love. I wanted to be love like everyone else.

I can't even remember the last time I brothered to have a proper meal. I don't get good sleep either. I'm very miserable.

I look at myself in the mirror and start crying.

"Look at you leyla. Are you proud of yourself? Are you proud that everyone left?"

I finally pull myself together because no one will. I take a warm shower and eat a light meal.

I book an appointment with doctor Salim 3 days ago. I can't handle the unbearable pain.

I arrive at the hospital on the right time. I'm feeling so dizzy. I feel like I can fall anytime. Everything seems so heavy.

"Assalamualaikum. Good morning" I said as I walk in.

"Wa'alaikum salam. Leyla come in" doctor selim said.

"How are you Leyla? I haven't seen you in a very long time."

"I'm not going to lie I'm not okay. It's very obvious"

"I'm sorry about that. Have you been taking your medications?" He asked.

"I can't even remember the last time I took them"

"Leyla do you want to die?"

"Yes I do" I answered and start crying.

Dr. Salim gave me enough time to cry. I met him when I was 15. He is so generous. I was so sick and mom travel. He explains the situation to me and I decided to lie to him.  I told him I live in the orphanage and I have no one.

" Explain to me what's going on Leyla? Is there anyone you want me to call from the orphanage?"

"No please. I'm okay. I also move out since I turned 18. I live with my Best friend now" I said.

I don't him to tell any of my close ones about my situation. I don't want them to be sad.

" Did you tell your best friend about your situation?" He asked.

"No I didn't. I'm not planning to do that either"

"Leyla I need to get the contact of a close one please. Can't you see your situation." He said

"But I don't have anyone. Everyone left me!" I said and broke into tears again.

Dr Salim request to do certain tests for me. He ask me to go back for the results. He also put me back on the medication I quit.

...

"As you can see the results are not looking good Leyla"

"Is there something to be done about it?" I asked.

"Of course Leyla. Every disease has a cure. As you can see the tumor has started spreading to the left side of your brain.  You will start chemotherapy in 2 days."

I started chemotherapy and I hate it so much. I hate going back and forth.

I don't smile anymore. The only thing I'm feeling is pain. An unbearable pain.

I lay down looking at the ceiling. I have no one. I only cry from morning till night. The only escape is when I'm sleeping.

"Leyla" I heard mom voice and I went out quickly.

"Mom?" I said and hugged her.

"Mom I miss you so much" I started crying.

"It's okay my dear. I'm back now"

"Mom please don't ever leave me"

We hug each other for along time before she realized.

"Leyla you have lost weight. What happen your lashes and eyebrows too?"

I didn't answer her questions. I simply pull my scarf for her to see my hair. I lost so many hair since I started chemotherapy.

"Leyla your hair? What's going on?" She ask panicking.

I started crying so hard. She hugged me and cried with me.

"I'm dying mom. I'm dying."

***

❤️