Run Away From The Crowd (COMPLETED)

25 : FANTODS

FANTODS - state of extreme anxiety; distress

"Gabi na hija, bakit andito ka pa rin?"

Tanong ni manong na kakatapos lang maglaba ng sorbetes. Siya 'yung nagbebenta nang sorbetes na pinagbilhan namin ni Shawn kapag pupunta kami dito sa park. 

And now, she's with a familiar woman. It's looks like she's his wife. At ang babae na yun ay ang manghuhula na nakausap ko ilang taon na ang lumipas. Mag asawa pala sila.

"I don't want to go home yet," I said while forcing myself to smile.

I was currently sitting on a bench surrounded by darkness. The lamplights only provided a glimpse of lights in the hallway. Wala kang makikitang ibang taong naglalakad sa park kasi gabi na. That's why I came here, to consume myself by the peacefulness of the night despite the agony I carried.

Marami akong nalaman. Marami rin akong nasaksihan na halos hindi makayanan nang isip ko na isipin lahat ng 'yun. It won't sink in. Dinagdagan pa nito ang problemang binibitbit ko. The sudden revelation did exactly hurt my pride. 

It feels like the thunder keep trembling on my mind. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep until I start to feel fine again. It's a tough journey for me and I don't know how to resolve this.

"At bakit naman?" tanong ng matandang babae na umupo sa tabi ko.

"Alam niyo ba yung pakiramdam na parang pinaglaruan ka ng tadhana? I did everything to take a right path but still it was never easy." The tears started to ran down the cheeks.

It seems like life has never been as easy as it seems. Na parang laro lang ang buhay ko. I always endured the agony as destiny won't let me be happy. The road of my existence is very bumpy. I can't see a finish line for this matter. 

Siguro, habangbuhay na akong ganito. Palagi na lang talo. Palaging may nalalaman na parang malayo ka sa katotohanan. No matter how you try to reach the sunny dispositions, you will remain in the middle of the ocean— quiet, no sound and you're just alone, trying to breathe.

"Sino naman ang nagsabing madaling mabuhay? Wala namang madali sa buhay. Kasi ang buhay, para lang yang sorbetes. Maganda at masarap tignan pero kapag hinahayaan mong masikatan ng araw, matutunaw at matutunaw yan," sabi niya habang inalokan ako ng libreng sorbetes.

"What do you mean po?"

"Ang ibig kong sabihin ay huwag mong hayaan ang sarili mong matunaw dahil lang sa pagsubok sa mundo. Isipin mong magaan sa pakiramdam ang mabuhay kahit taliwalas naman yun sa reyalidad. Wala namang mawawala kung mananatili kang masaya," sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Paano po kapag hindi mo naman kaya ang manatiling masaya?" I asked.

"Kumain ka na lang ng sorbetes kung gusto mo sumaya," manong offered me a free ice cream and I tried to taste it. Indeed. Ice cream will certainly made your heart warm.

"Piliin mong maging masaya sa lahat ng pagkakataon, pero huwag mong pilitin," his wife spoke.

Choose to be happy, not for others but for yourself. No matter how you aim so high for you to fit in, you should not. You can't be in someone's shoes. You might meet someone's expectations but consider it as a dream asset. 

Life can offer cruel situations. Whenever you feel like giving up, find a light until the light finds you.

I know it's hard to tame this existence. I've been thinking that Shawn always lifted me up even though I carried a huge amount of matters. I became burdensome but he's still there, loving and waiting for me. 

He offered genuine love when I was surrounded in the battlefield of thorns. He lean me an intimacy when the agony scattered around my heart.

But still I keep reaching for an air even though it's not suffocating at all. I was like, drowning. Nakakapagod din palang kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na maging masaya. Na akala mo kapag nalaman mo na ang katotohanan, magiging masaya ka. Pero hindi pala. Mas lalo ka pang nanlumo at hindi mapakali kasi natatakot ka sa magiging posibleng mangyari.