Tell it Like it is

☆ Update

Sorry I have been gone for so long, I don't even know how to begin catching up with you. It's been a year. What have I done in that year? I got fatter. I am 290 pounds, or 131 kg, 541.7767g (whichever works for you). I still want to starve myself occasionally, or when I eat until I am actually a bit full I want to throw up because that's what I was use to.
I haven't cut myself for 7+ months and I like wearing shorts and not worrying about them riding up and anyone seeing how messed up I am. My legs are still covered in scars all the way down to my knee, but they are faded. Only a couple on my upper arm are visible and the ones on my stomach completely disappeared.
Every once in a blue moon I feel like I can't go on, I just can't live with myself anymore, I cry really hard, and I want to cut myself everywhere. What do I do? How do I cope? Don't laugh please, this is really embarrassing and I am only telling you because I love you. I put on all my favorite clothes at once, or dress super sexy (depending on why I am upset), and I dance to a song I like. I dance until I can't breathe and I laugh at how ridiculous I look in the mirror with all this clothes on, or relish in how sexy I feel. It works everytime for me. I don't know if it will work for you but I think you should try it at least once.
I really can't pinpoint when I started feeling happy again, I think it was when I thought about what I want. I want a family someday and I want to grow old. That was such a big step for me, even now when I imagine that I feel so...safe with myself? Like no matter how wrong everything goes I will not kill myself, no matter how bad a thought gets. I use to think about killing myself 24/7, now it rarely happens and when it does I am surprised because I know that the thought just isn't me. I am happy.
I have become the type of person that notices the beauty in everything. It's ridiculous, and probably annoying. I can't help it. My favorite part is that I feel like me. I'm not on any pills for depression or anything else. I smoke some kush every once and a while when I get super depressed, but that only happens once every two or more weeks.
When I look in the mirror I sometimes hate everything I see. Somedays I hate everything about my face and my body, other days I feel like the sexiest person in the world and no one will ever be good enough for me. Sometimes my ego is so out of line and I need to tone it down a little bit. I am the sexiest me this world will ever see and I aim to make sure it doesn't forget that anytime soon.
I am a high school drop out, so was Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Bill Gates, Quinn Tarantino (love his movies), Richard Branson, Walt Disney, Charles Dickens, and so much more people. I am not trying to tell you to drop out of school right now this minute! I'm saying you are still so young and life can take you anywhere. So, you aren't as smart as your friends or maybe can't read music, neither could any of the Beatles. I'm 18 and I could do anything, so can you.
Sometimes at night I hear voices, the don't say anything in particular, it sounds like they are just out of my hearing range, sometimes I hear my name but mostly it's like white noise. I know it's not really there but it feels real. I can imagine how much harder it would be for me if they actually said stuff, if you are dealing with that everyday then I wish I could hold your hand and be by your side everyday.
Social anxiety or anxiety in general is also something I deal with. It's really difficult for other people to comprehend what that means or what it feels like. I get anxious over going to dinner with my family or going on trips and it's hard for me to do new things or go new places, I worry about doing the wrong thing and making a fool of myself of getting lost. I get so nervous it upsets my stomach sometimes and I think it would be easier to just stay home.
Now I can pay for things on my own, answer my phone without dreading it, go on trips without getting sick the day before, and I take the max\metro to new places all the time. This may be a simple task for you, but it's a war for me. It's still hard to go places alone and I freak out after driving for 5 minutes, even in an empty parking lot. Sometimes it is hard knowing everyone else can just do this stuff and I feel so worthless because I just can't, but I try so hard. My little sister, Alex (name change) drives us everywhere, she is 16 and she can do this. Why can't I?
I am almost done with my GED, I have one more test (Math. Ew.). I have been looking at schools for Cosmetology and have visited one so far, I have more I plan to look at. I still don't have a job and I don't know if I can get one until Kevin, my little brother, is out of school because I walk him to school every weekday and sometimes have to pick him up. I really want to get one and save up to move out because me and my mom fight a lot lately and it's hard being an adult and trying to make adult decisions when you are constantly being patronized.
I know I don't know everything about life, and I don't pretend to know. I love my mom, she just has a tendency to not handle things in the best way and often turn molehills into mountains.
So that is how my life has been.

I promise the next upload will be about the psych-ward!