Tell it Like it is

☆ Downgrading

I feel like I am never good enough for anyone. I feel like no one has ever truly cared about me. Some days I wake up feeling so alone and I just drowned in it. I hope someone will see me fighting and throw me a life raft but they don't.
Nothing surrounds me but endless gray water, The type of water that no one can see you through once you sink to the bottom. Every once and a while I will see a "friend" off in the distance. They see my flailing limps and assume I am waving at them. Then smile fakely and wave back. Some come closer. I try griping on to their floaty, they complain I am dragging them down, they kick me away. Now they yell at me.
Why can't I just make a floating device appear out of thin air? I am such a freaking drama queen. I am being ridiculous. Why am I letting the water get in my lungs when I am gasping for breath! I am so stupid.

I go for weeks like this, struggling to breath normally, hell bent on staying above the water. I am starting to get tired. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Who and I suppose to count on? I am such a loser. For years I prayed for a Friend in the dark of my room late at night. Begging god for someone who would love me like a sister and say the right things sometimes. I thought I found one. Sarah was the best. I love her so much even now when we avoid texting each other. She is my best friend.I lost her and I will never have a friend like her again. No, she isn't the friend I was talking about in that other chapter. I have only known her for less then two years but it feels like forever. And now I have nothing but some fake friendship I hold on to just so that I wont be alone. I am still alone though.

I had sex with some random 19 year-old guy last month. When I spent the night at his house part of me hoped he would murder me in my sleep. You know, he said he is 19 but I have I feeling he is younger.
He lives with his mom, plays the guitar, listens to the same music as me, is a life guard, and owns a rescue pup. He has one brother and several half sisters, and he moved near me last summer because he crashed his car and the public transportation is good here. That is all I know about him.
I had sex with him to lose my v-card and to enforce my badassness, I guess. I wasn't going to text him or ever talk to him again, I told myself. There was a lot of starring into each others eyes. He was so sweet. I had no idea how intimate sex is, I mean I knew it would be to an extent. I hate intimacy. Haha, He did this thing were he would poke the tip of my nose and say "boop" sort of like Archer on that TV show. It became a game, poking each other on the nose and saying that. We wrestled around on the bed doing that for a while.

When we were cuddling, about to fall deep asleep he asked me what all the marks on my legs are from I almost said they were birth marks but some of them say very hateful things. I told him the truth, sort of. I told him they are very old self harm scars, but the newest one was only a week ago. He kissed my forehead and said "as long as it is in the past" and I wanted to cry because I'm a lying little bitch.
We woke up at six and he walked me half way to the max because it was the same way he needed to go. He didn't hold my hand and he never looked back. I tried texting him the first two days after but it wasn't the same. I blocked him on everything and erased his number. I cried for the first couple days. Why did I do it? Why am I such a whore? Why can"t anyone love me, and if someone ever did could I truly accept it? Why do I do these things to myself?