Grief

Vulnerable

I've always been a coward.

Too afraid to make lasting connections with others. Too afraid to think about what terrifying disappointments lay past death. Too afraid to label myself as just another amongst the crowd. I found it all too jarring to think about. The what ifs. The lack of control-

The inevitability.

I've always been envious of Shizu-chan. How even past his exterior of terror, people still gathered around him, still cared and trusted him as a valued friend. I could never understand why. Why did a monster like him get accepted so fully while I was left alone?

Hadn't I put my all into loving each of my darling humans? Watching with adoration no matter how sickening, how pathetic, how twisted they acted, I still loved each and every one of them.

And yet every day I found myself returning to an empty apartment, drab of trinkets and spotless of chips and imperfections- Of memories.

I was bitter. Like a child who was never given the chance to introduce themselves before a boy had claimed to despise them from the first glance. I was jealous because that same boy would turn around and walk away from his path of bent rubble and bruised flesh and smile at his loved ones who awaited his return.

He'd get a slap on the wrist and sympathetic eyes-

"Went a little overboard this time, didn't you?"

"You're not hurt are you?"

"Come on Shizuo, I know you're better than this."

I was bitter because I knew I couldn't have that. Even with all the love I spewed out, the glee that stretched my face when I let my arms splay wide open for each and every one of my precious humans even when I knew nobody would dare step closer.

And the most pathetic part was that even if somebody dared take that step, I'd take three steps back with that same pinned grin. Arms still open wide with manic eyes and a mantra on my tongue for the love I held for each and every one of them.

And they would sneer at the mere sound of my name.

"I hope you die Orihara."

"You're sick, you know that? No wonder you're alone."

"I hate you! I swear I'll kill you-"

And nothing has changed. I still love them all, love seeing how their faces twitch, each tick of their mind while they experience something new. I love it. I love their inner workings, their reactions, and each of their interesting little flaws and quirks.

But it's all so distant. Observed from behind the safety of glass, of walls in my mind and sharpened blades tucked in my sleeves. Of those three steps back every time my sisters would try to scuttle forward on naive little feet. Those three steps back every time Shinra would ramble casual nothings in hopes of a light conversation.

I was a coward, bitter, envious, and sick in the head. I couldn't even find myself disagreeing with my human's distrust, after all, I didn't trust myself either.

I still don't and I'm still a coward.

But still, I think I understand now why people stayed by Shizuo's side. Why he deserved their reassuring smiles and loyalty despite his rage, it was utterly terrifying and so strangely freeing to admit that I wanted to be a part of that as well.

Even if it was too late.

Black smoke puffed out in a haze as my legs buckled, sliding me to land half haphazardly in front of Shizuo's tucked-in knees. I forced a swallow, eyes flickering over the blond as I caught sight of his glazed eyes locked on the ground.