James knows he's overprotective. Really, he does. He's not sure why. Not sure where it comes from. He's never lost anyone, never had anyone walk away from him, he hasn't lived through what Sirius has. What Remus has. There's no reason for him to have this deep need to protect when nothing has ever been taken from him. But he does. If you wanted to be cute, and sometimes his mother does, you could call it the Gryffindor in him. But it's more than that. It scares him sometimes, if he's honest. It's too...intense. He feels it about Sirius, about Remus, about Peter. This need to be at their sides. To make sure they're okay. To destroy anything and anyone who tries to touch them. Because they're his. His to protect. His to keep. His to love. It's too much. He knows it is.
It's worse with Regulus.
He doesn't like Snape. Whatever Lily says, he doesn't see much that's redeemable about the kid. But he's glad that Filch showed up when he did, glad that he pulled them apart. Because, for a minute, when he came around that corner, when he saw Snape with Regulus pressed against the wall...he doesn't actually think he was going to kill him. He hopes he wasn't. But merlin he wanted to. He felt the need burn under his skin. He wouldn't have needed magic. Wouldn't have needed a wand. He'd have done it with his bare hands. And that scares him.
Scares him almost as much as the way Regulus shakes in his arms. The way he cries silently into his chest. James has never felt his age quite so much as when he was crouched on the floor, trying to get Regulus to breathe. All he could think was; "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Someone help. Someone get my mum."
It hurts. People hurt. Even when they don't mean to. Even when it isn't their fault. It hurts to see Remus the morning after a full moon, which is a selfish thing to feel, or to think, but it's true. It hurts to see him broken and battered and filled with loneliness. Just like it hurt to watch Regulus fall apart. He knows it isn't about him. None of it is. But it hurts like it's his. And he's sorry. And he wishes he was stronger. Wishes he was more. Wishes he wasn't the only person he knew who wasn't covered in scars.
"We're going to have to move," Regulus says eventually, still pressed against him, invisibility cloak over their heads. James's arms instinctively tighten around him.
"Lets go back to the room. Can we do that?" he realizes he shouldn't be making demands right now. But the idea of letting Regulus go back to that dorm—the idea that Snape might be waiting for him...
"Filch might check—"
"The room?"
"If you went back to your dorm."
James shakes his head. "I've already got one detention, another won't make much of a difference."
Regulus is quiet.
"I'm asking Reg," James says gently, "it's a question, you can say no. You can always say no." He knows he handled things wrong, before. Knows he looked disappointed when Regulus turned him away. He's never been good at guarding his emotions. He hates that he did that. That he made him think—for even a minute—that he had to do anything he didn't want to.
"I know," Regulus whispers back, before burrowing further into James's chest.
His hand goes to the back of his head, holds him there.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't there.
I'm so sorry that someone hurt you and I couldn't stop it.
I'm so sorry that I don't know what to do.
"Okay," Regulus says finally. "Okay, lets go."
"Yeah?" James tries to keep the relief out of his voice.
