Dear Husband

9

Dear husband,

As expected, you burst out. Without even letting me speak out my side of the story. Nothing new sweetheart. Like I said in my last letter, you are always so good with your words and come up with the perfect justification for your perception and I like a fool always stand there, struggling to even understand how and from where do I start to speak .

And amidst this imbalance, your justification won again and you walked out . You walked out Sidharth! Doesn't matter if you have a convention, doesn't matter if you have been ordered to take the responsibility of another city, doesn't matter if you are being deployed, but you moved out . Leaving your pregnant wife behind. Without proper clarification without proper balance and without an ounce of care for your baby.

Wow. I've no words to express myself again. The broken I've felt at that moment Sidharth, I've never been more broken in my life. Not even when I had none to grow up around with. Not even when it was me against the world persistently.

And the moment you walked away carrying your luggage, I felt like someone had numbed my heart. It forgot to pump for a while! Have I made the right choice?

Yes, Sidharth, the question cropped up in my mind a thousand times and it pierced me like a million needles each time. I've heard pregnancy is delicate. I've heard it's beautiful when cherished by both of the partner. What I skipped to research is how traumatising it is when your pregnancy and your baby is unwanted by one of the same partner!

Is it worth it! All this fight and drama and squabbles, is it worth it Sidharth? I'm scared. I'm scared to think about the future. You said you would return the day I'll deliver the news of my abortion to you. That means I'll have to nurture raise my child all by my own? Will I be able to do that?

I don't know. Will you seriously never return it I choose him over you? And you know what is more agonising? To have this choice of choosing between you two. I don't want to have a choice here. I wish I didn't have a choice here. Living without you is like a nightmare i would never like to witness. And killing a part of you is like a horrific circumstance that I would never like to come across. What do i do Sidharth? I thought you would eventually come around. You will won't you? I just need to give you a little extra time isn't it?

I think I should. I know you are a good human being. I know you have a golden heart. A heart that will never ever abandon his own child, right? Just prove me right Sidharth. This undeniable faith that I have on my husband, please help me prove myself right. There is an evil part of me that had reared its head amidst all this fiasco and it's rebellious. That evil part keeps on nagging me on how evil you have turned out to be like. And I am in a constant combat with that negativ side of mine. I want my positivity to win Sidharth. Please don't make my optimism lose its charm. Please don't.

Anyways, Ma called today and I have revealed the news of my pregnancy to her. She was super elated. I could see the relief and happiness in her eyes. She looked a decade younger within minutes! I wish I could have seen an ounce of the same reaction within you!

You might be wondering why I dragged her in between. You might be blasting over me tomorrow, arguing once again over my impulse. But trust me Sidharth, this is not an impulse. Despite the conflict I'm having inside me, somewhere I do know that I've chosen the right path. I'm gonna stick to this baby no matter what happens. If you do not return.... Ok sorry, I just don't want to think on those lines right now. I don't want my pessimistism to win. So let us presume that you will come back and embrace us one day. Migh not be right now, but I'm hoping may be a few days later, may be months or maybe once he is born. There is a fair chance you might be sitting and regretting every act and word of yours right now!

I will keep my hopes alight! Hope is what had fuelled me this far. Hope is what will drag me ahead as well.

And since I have already chosen this baby over you, I thought let's not keep those two people in parallel darkness. Th y deserve to be happy. They have been hoping and craving for this for too long.

Ma wanted to come and accompany me for a while , but I had persuaded her to not to. Don't worry Sidharth, I have not revealed her about your reaction. I wish and hope you would do the same. Whatever it is between us, it's for us to resolve and take care of. And in case if we don't.... Well again let's not venture into that territory again. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle the vulnerability right now.

Anyways, you might be not physically present here with me through this pregnancy Sidharth, but I would like to keep you around me. If that has to be through these letters, then be it. I will keep on updating you about the progress of our baby inside me. So to start with, I will be visiting the gynaecologist tomorrow Sidharth. I will be undergoing a sonogram. I will get to hear his heartbeats for th first time. Wow! Isn't it exciting? I'm thrilled. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. But I will not bug you more. I might keep on going and going, there are so many uncharted emotions bubbling inside me. But along with those, there is also this intense love of a wife who is already missing her dear husband so god damn much. I love you Sidharth, I do. But... I love this baby as well. If possible, please forgive me to chose him over you. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry.

Please take care of yourself Sidharth. And try to just sort out things in your heart and come back soon. I'm waiting and I'll keep on waiting till the end of time.

Yours and only yours
Shehnaaz

" But you did not. You did not stand true to your words. You did not wait for me and left !" I cry out.

" Why Shehnaaz? Didn't you know that I loved you too? I still do. It was just a momentary madness. I got caught in the game of gambling. The gamble of a shining future and no burdens for a while. Why couldn't be the guiding star for me and guided me back home?" I screamed. The screech kept on striking at the empty walls of our house and coming back to me, hitting me hard right at the center of my chest.

I had lost my visionary back then, the price for which I'm paying too hard right now. And the question that hangs around me is.... Will I ever get to rectify my mistakes?

I guess no.. you get chances in life and then you get second chances.. I've wasted both and I knew there's no point of returning from here. These letters will be all I will have as a piece of her in my life henceforth!

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