Dear Husband

14

Dear husband,

How have you been? It's been a while that I've written to you. Quite a long while and in between, a lot has happened that kept me away from you. A lot that has completely disrupted the thin line of togetherness between us that was left and swept me away.
But, I feel you still have the right to at least know what happened. And that is the reason I'm penning down this one last time to you.

Yes Sidharth, my last letter to you. You won't be bothered by me anymore. Not that these were a bother. I wonder if you would ever read these letters at all. But if you do, I really want you to know why it all happened what happened. I want you to know that why I'm not around when you are reading this last letter from me.

Ok, to start with, I went into severe depression Sidharth. So much so that I had become suicidal. The emptiness I felt after Blip was gone, it was too much to handle. The loneliness made it all worse. I was already into a dark phase after you were gone, but my Blip was that one source of light that has filled my life with dreams and hope once again. Blip had became my everything in the little time he was with me, until I met Karan.

Yes Karan. The man who pulled me up from the pile of nothingness I had turned into and stitched me back whole. Karan, my psychologist!

I got his contact number from Danny Uncle. That old man still cares for me to come and look out when I had holed myself up in this dark and desolate place which we used to call our home once! That old man, he literally pushed me to go and visit this shrink who I had no idea will change my life for forever.

Visiting Karan was probably the best decision I had in my life. Talking to him felt like a faucet of emotions had been opened up inside me which I had kind of locked up myself. There was so much bottled up inside me Sidharth that even I was not aware of. So many aspirations, so many wishes, so much of joy, so much of sadness and so much of desolation.

Log sahi kehte hai ke kisi se baat karna boht zaruri hota hai Sidharth. Baatein har problem ka solution hai. But is life ki race mein, hum log aksar baat karna hi bandh kar dete hai. Aur ye galti sirf main aur tum nahi, har dusra insaan dohrata hai. Tabhi toh Aaj ke zamaimein almost every relationship is so vague, so crusty, and so hollow, just like us!

Anyways, talking to Karan was very liberating. So much that I had no idea when it turned out to be a deoendancy again. I didn't even realise that we have been sinking into each other so much that we didn't even realise the mistake we were about to make. And life; it never stops you from committing one. That's the cycle of life. A cosmogyral of mistakes and afflictions.

Me and Karan, we did the unthinkable. We fell for each other and conjugated our love. Again a relationship that was not supposed to be. A doctor is not supposed to fall for his patient. Especially a psychologist. Yet we did. And we had no idea how to process it.

Karan, he really loved me. Not that he claimed this everyday, but his gesture was enough to scream for his feelings. The underlined care, his concern that topped the doctor patient radar, the way he would make love to me, it was beyond lust Sidharth. It was beautiful. As beautiful as it used to be with us.

And here comes the part which threw me completely off the track. My relationship with Karan, no matter how beautiful it felt could never made me unlove you! Yes Sidharth, after everything you made me go through, I could never not love you. You are ingrained into my system. Yet, I cannot deny the love I feel for Karan as well!

And I have no answer to the questions that would raise here. How can someone love two people equally at the same time? Is it possible? How? Why? So many questions that boggles my mind.

And Karan has explanation in his own way. He says human mind and heart is very complicated. He says there's a lot of love inside a human to give. Boundless, unrestricted love. And he says love has no definition and boundaries set. It can happen anytime. It can come for anyone. That we restrict ourselves when we constrain our love for one person because no matter how beautiful a human's heart and mind is, it's also the most warped yet the most insanely intelligent mind and heart on this planet which knows the pros and cons of being so vulnerable.

And...... I for the first time don't understand his explanation. I'm still so confused of how I can want two persons in my life simultaneously. I don't want to be without you Sidharth, but I don't want to be without Karan as well. A scenario which is simply not possible. Or is it not?

And that brings me to take this most difficult decision of my life. I'm leaving Sidharth. I'm leaving this city for the final time. Kaha jaungi yeh bata nahi sakti, because I don't want you to find me out. I feel guilty for cheating on you yet, at the same time I cannot deny the love I have for Karan.

And as for Karan, we know we don't have a future together at all. I would always be his dirty little secret. Not that the future I want with him will be possible at all. I just want both of you in my life and this is insane. And if not one, then no one. Because amidst this most complicated situation of the millenium, I have found my reason to live. Myself! Amidst this weirdest and most disgraceful situation of my life, I have understood the value that life itself possess.

So.....let's just accept that we all were meant for this long only. Iske agge ki life meri khudki hai jise main apne terms and conditions mein jina chahti hu naaki kisi ke upar depend hoke. Not you, not Karan, not Blip. No one. Today, I free myself to be me. Just me.

Goodbye Sidharth. Goodbye one last time. Pata nahi kabhi life mein agg milenge ya nahi. But even if we don't, I just need to let you know that whatever happened, I never even for a second stopped loving you. It might sound deceiving after my confession. But it is what it is.

And for one thing I know, I will never ever stop loving you!

Goodbye...

Yours and always yours
Shehnaz

P.S : Shayd only yours likhne ka haq kho chuki hu, par ye Shehnaz 'humesha' tumhari rahegi..

__________

So... The last chapter of Dear husband. I know the ending was a dynamite, right! Well it was always meant to be. I also know a lot of you will not support the ending at all. Kyunki ye typical cliche ending bilkul nahi hai. But again, life kaha cliche hoti hai. Life toh cricket wali googly bouncer, Yorker, sab type ke throws deti hai. Alag alag logo ke liye alag alag delivery. Dear husband was one such bouncer!

Again, boht logo ko pareshani bhi hogi with the name of the protagonists. To them I would say..... I don't care. If you can take it practically and think of them as mere two characters of a book or a movie, then fine. Otherwise, just don't read my books at all. I wouldn't mind a few less reads you know.

For those who wanted to know what happened to the male protagonist, i would say, have a slight bit of patience for the epilogue.

Till then, Ciao. And do let me know honestly how this story was. And please, Sidnaaz ke daze se nikal ke judge karoge toh behadh Khushi hogi.

Love
Sanu
❤️ ❤️