Dear Husband

12

Dear husband,

Lakho ki bheed hai yaha
Fir bhi dil veerana sa hai
Kuch kho sa gaya hai andar se mere
Baki tere bina mara hua sa hai
Jaane tu kab laut ayega mere paas
Bas yehi aas lagaye baithi hu
Jaanti hu tamanna poori nahi hoti khokle se
Par dil k haathon majboor sa bhi hu
Ek daud tha jab tum mere the
Aur aaj ek daud hai dil dara hua sa hai
Kya likha hai humare naseeb mei
Behti ja rahi hu bas yehi khauff mei
Par is khauff mei bhi tu yehi hai, bas yehi kahi hai.

I know you might not get a hint out of it. But this is what it is. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm writhing and I'm all alone. Is this how it was supposed to be Sidharth? The promises we made to each other, the vows we took, is this the end to all of them?

I don't know Sidharth, but tonight I'm missing you in a way I've never missed you before. There's a desolation in my heart and there's a yearning in my body. Unbeatable and such contradicting these two mixed emotions are. Gussa hu tumse. Mann kar Raha hai sab kuch chor k kahi dur chali jau. Tumse dur, boht dur. Magar dil razi nahi hai. Aur jism tumko dhundte dhundte pagal ho chuka hai. Ek aag sa hai aaj mere andar. It's like as if I'm burning in a sweet fire. The Kindle of yours that would always burn me down, there is an intense churning of something similar. I want you Sidharth. Not just my heart but my body wants you too. The body which is addicted to you. The need which is amplified with this pregnancy. I want you right now. I want you to pin me down and make crazy love to me like a possessed lover. I want to burn down every inhibitions of mine and make crazy insane love to you in return. I want you to burn me with torture and apprehension on the bed with the touch of your fingers and lips and then, when I would writhe with unimaginable desire, I want you to take to the heaven and pull me down with your body. And I want that to happen again and again and again.

And after we are exhausted and worn out, I want you to take that pen of yours and write those innumerable sex quotes that you would write on my body just for fun. I have never really told you Sidharth, but those naughty actions of yours would really turn me on. Whenever I would check myself out in the mirror the next morning, they would turn me on to the next level. Remember how I used to just jump at you in early hours of morning.. and then a crazy whirlwind repeation of the night and life was just so blissful Sidharth. Me , you, our love, our craziness, our lust... It was perfect.. Why did you have to change everything and make it an illusory perfection?

I don't need this Sidharth. I don't need this prim and proper husband you have turned to. I want my barbaric Sidharth back. The impromptu lover, the mad as a Hatter husband, I want him back. I want our sexcapedes back. I want our lust back. The lust toppled with love, it used to be so magnificently beautiful....

Ab main kya karu Sidharth. I too have physical needs. What do I do about that? Kiske pass jau? Tum kiske paas ja rahe ho? Have you got yourself a hoe or is that bitch of your secretary giving you a gala time that she always wanted to? Oh you must be having a hell of a time isn't it? Isiliye toh mere liye waqt hi nahi bacha hai na. Is that so Sidharth.. Tell me godammit! Just be a man and tell me that you have found your world in someone else and I promise I would just turn incognito from your life. Please JUST TELL ME!!

I'm sorry Sidharth. I'm sorry for my words. I know how much you hate allegations. But I won't tear this letter or rectify my words you know. If someday you get to these letters, I want you feel and know the phase that I've been through. The abyss, the mess I was into. And then, I want you to feel the same as well. This is not a very good feeling my dear husband trust me. This emptiness I'm feeling from every nook and corner, this is torturous. And someday I wish you would feel the same as well. May be tab tumhe ehsaas ho kisiko umeed mei latkaye rakhna kya hota hai. Kisiko vaada karke todna kya hota hai. This betrayal feeling that I'm surrounded with all the time... I wish and request to God that you go through the same one day..

And... Here leaps my hopelessly in love with you heart which relentlessly condemns my own thought process makes me take back everything that I wished for you.. you must be wondering that I'm losing my senses right! Well, you are not wrong you know my dear husband. Probably, I am losing my senses with time.. i just wish I can deliver this baby safely and soundly not really affecting him with my desolation and desparation.

Anyways, it's late.. I need to sleep, if not for myself then for blip at least. Oh my the way, blip is doing fine. Great infact. I've gained a kilo in this month which is a good sign, the doctor says. But he's still keeping me so sick.. God he has some appetite and he really abhorrs some food to the core and just makes me throw up even if I'm an inch near to them. Like father like son! Full of tantrums..

So.. my dear husband, good night. Have a nice sleep if you can which is like a dream for me. I almost always end up sweating with nightmares. But they are my problem and not yours . Take care.. Until my next letter, bye .

Yours and only yours

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Sorry for the delay guys.. again, caught up with work.. Please bear with me . I'm sorry..