aspect

log entry 025: i'm losing the battle against myself

TRIGGER WARNING: This log entry discusses topics pertaining to depression, suicide, loss of self, and a plethora of other negative mental states. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

this is genuinely hard for me to do. this is the one time that i am unable to express my feelings through poetry. this is as honest as i am going to be and for my own sake, i'm doing this to try and come to terms with myself and my mental state and truly make sense of myself.

lately, i've been having dark thoughts. very dark thoughts. i'm not going to sugarcoat it though. i've had suicidal thoughts. they're not long and drawn out, but rather impulsive. they come and go quickly but they return frequently. why is this? i have not a single clue. sometimes i feel as if i am a burden to those around me and that they genuinely think of me as either a bad person or just somebody of little to no importance to their world. countless times have i been told either directly or indirectly that people want nothing to do with me. countless times have i been criticized for staying true to myself and my persona. but i thought that's what we were supposed to do. i thought we made the best of friends when we stayed true to ourselves, but clearly, we don't. i'm not enough for the people around me who i look up to, or so it feels that way. i've been shunned and pushed away by many, telling me to "go focus on yourself", when in reality, i was okay. all i needed was somebody there for me.

every day when i get to school, i look up at the roof of the building out in the courtyard and i just imagine myself jumping off of it. the thought is so real that i zone out and lose track of what i am doing because i am so encapsulated in this series of events in my head and how they would play out. i imagine a select few people reacting to the situation, and feeling guilty that they saw something wrong and only contributed to it. but these thoughts are not for some silly revenge plot, that's just stupid. i feel as if i am alleviating the stress on them, and they'll be able to move on in life without me causing problems.

i believe the problem stems from my constant lashing out at the people who i consider close to me. this has been going on for almost a year now. every single time i got uncomfortable or simply wanted to back out of a friendship or any form of relationship, i would stay quiet. i would isolate myself and give myself the space in which i for so long desired. i wouldn't communicate this with the other person(s) because i didn't want to deal with the conversation. i was scared of it. but despite all of this, i was comfortable and i was happy, or so i thought. eventually, the distance began to cause me to miss them, and life was resuming its old patterns before said people entered my life. it never felt right. what felt even more off was seeing them every day, and not talking to them at all. i felt that too much time had passed and that they were too mad at me to talk. things would have been awkward for me. this created stress, which eventually led to anger which i would then directly express towards them. i was being defensive. any time they would come into my space, whether that be physically, or trying to do as much as hold a conversation, i would shove them away immediately. i lied and told people that things just kind of fell off when i was the catalyst in reality. i was so insecure about it that i didn't want to own up.

eventually, the constant lashing out began to have a purpose. it wasn't just my reaction to my space being "invaded". i wanted them to HATE me. i would do anything in my power to get them mad at me. i wanted them so be so mad at me that eventually when i would harm myself, they would feel no guilt. i wanted them to feel relief rather than stress. it was all a plot in my head that went nowhere, and now, i am receiving the backlash from those actions which i so very much deserve.

i am being ignored, shunned, pushed away, etc; everything that i did to those same people not too long ago, and it doesn't feel good at all. i promised these people a safe space, a place where they can feel comfortable, a person to confide in, and to some, even a place to stay if they ever needed it. and in an instant, i took that all away from them. what kind of person does that?

i am not good at bearing the consequences of my actions, and i try to improve myself as much as i can. i've proven to many that i am not the person i was long ago, or even recently, and those people are the ones i hold closest to my heart. the ones who hear me out, reassure me that i am okay, and help me improve myself for the better. not all hope is lost. but that doesn't change the fact that there's a constant fear in the back of my head that one day i am going to hurt them. i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. it drives me fucking crazy. i feel the need to be perfect and i feel the need to distance myself every now and then. and it is at those times that i feel the loneliest as if nobody is there for me, and that is when the suicidal thoughts come in. i want to save everyone from myself. i am scared of myself, and i don't want anyone else to be. i have deteriorated mentally so much, and it is hard to look at the good in myself when the bad has cost me so much. i genuinely feel as if this world would be better without me, and i feel as if i am losing a fight against myself. - xav