LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 11

Ralph plopped back down in his seat around the table in the Bainbridge Military Academy dining hall. His mom sat on his left, and his father on her left. Sam and Eric's family sat with them; the twins and both their parents. Ralph's parents made unamusing small talk with the Brooks parents about their jobs, their hometowns, and the kids. Sam and Eric sat to the right of Ralph as the brunette boy pushed the food around his plate with his fork.

"Are you not hungry or something?" Sam asked casually as he watched Ralph.

"Shut up, dork! He just threw up, remember?" Eric slapped his brother's shoulder with the back of his hand.

"I forgot! Okay? I was just asking" Sam spat back at his brother before shovelling another bite of chicken parmesan into his mouth.

"It's fine" Ralph insisted.

But Ralph didn't feel nauseous anymore. At least, not from throwing up. He couldn't stop thinking about his run-in with Jack in the bathroom. He couldn't stop thinking about the sight of Jack's hands glistening under the running water. He thought about himself and Jack pushing each other around, laughing on the beachfront when they'd first arrived on the island. He thought about Jack getting in his face at the assembly right before he'd taken half the boys and left. He thought about Jack's face right after they killed Simon, after Roger killed Piggy. He thought about waking up every morning after Piggy's death, terrified that he might be next. His mind went back to the dining room bathroom.

"Hope you feel better" Jack had said. But did he? Or was he just saying what you ought to say out of politeness? When was the last time Jack ever said anything out of politeness?

Ralph wanted the blond haired boy out of his head. The way Jack continued to occupy his mind bothered him. He didn't want to care about why Jack did or said anything. He didn't want to think about Jack existing after the island at all. Why was he here? Why did he come to the service for the boys he was partially responsible for the deaths of?

"That's exactly what I meant"

"Back off, man! I'm sick of your shit and so's my gang"

"If you know what's good for you, colonel, you'll stop trying to run everything"

"I say fuck you!"

"Tell the little ones I made you a promise and I kept it! Tell 'em!"

"Take your fat friend and shove off"

"Because when I tell someone to do something, they'd better do it the first time"

"Stay out of my fucking way"

"Why don't you two fuck off? This is my end and my tribe"

"Yeah? and what are you gonna do, huh? What are you gonna do about it? You're out of it, pal, you're on your own"

Part of the trauma around the island was trying to separate it from life before and after it. Ralph struggled to understand whether or not Jack was the same person on and off the island; or someone else entirely. He thought about the Jack he'd known before the island; the boy who slept over at his house and respected Ralph's parents, the boy who'd slept in his room with him a couple times back at the academy, the boy who he spent nights sitting out by the fire with when everyone else at the academy was sound asleep in their rooms, the boy who only pushed him around when they both thought it was fun, the boy who followed protocols and obeyed the rules, the boy who believed in order and earning things rather than just taking what you want, the boy who'd never have hurt him or anyone else.

Ralph wondered if the island had brought out the worst in Jack, or the truth. Had Jack always been capable of this? Was it only a matter or time? Would his savage behavior have come to the surface in some other way, on some other day, if the plane had never crashed? Or was it unfair to judge Jack and everyone else for the choices they made in a survival situation? Would everyone else in life be capable of behaving the way the other boys had if they had been in their shoes? Was Ralph being unreasonable?

Ralph began to take bites of his food as his brain circled back and forth from Jack to morality to Simon and Piggy to life beyond the island. He knew he was too young to be thinking about things of this magnitude. They all were. But life was cruel, and it hadn't given them much of a choice. Even in his earlier conversation with Dylan, he could see that this tragedy had aged the 6th grade boy beyond his years, stolen an innocence from even those who were only indirectly affected by what happened.

Ralph was relieved when it was time to drive back to East Point. It had felt otherworldly to be back at the academy for the first time since the day they'd left for England. Before the Langleys went home, they stopped in Ralph and Simon's old room to collect the things Ralph had left behind in September.

"Oh, sorry. We weren't expecting anyone else to be here" a woman suddenly appeared in the doorway, causing the Langley's to jump and turn.

"We'll be out of your way in just a moment here, we're just gathering a few things our Ralph left behind" Laurie answered.

Ralph recognized the lady as Simon's mother, Rachel, who he'd met a couple times at the beginning and end of previous school years, when she had come to drop off and pick up Simon.

"How are you doing, Ralph?" Rachel Bennett asked as the boy stood and watched his parents pack.

"I'm doing better" he said as the tension intensified inside him. "I'm so sorry about Simon."

Her warm smile was tainted with pain and devastation, Ralph could see.

"He loved you very much, Ralph. I'm glad he had you as a roommate, a colonel, and a friend. I don't know all that happened to you boys out there, but I know in my heart that Simon would've followed you anywhere. You were a good leader, Ralph, I have no doubt that you did everything you could for my boy" the deceased's mom held back tears as she spoke.

"I loved him too" Ralph nodded as tears began to water in his own eyes. "I wish I could've done better for him. I wish things coulda been different" Ralph's voice trembled. His father came up beside him and wrapped his arm around his son at the sound of his son's voice shaking.

"We all do, but it isn't your fault, Ralph" Rachel assured him. "None of this is your fault. Don't you ever forget that, okay? Simon wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

Ralph let the tears stream down his warm face as he nodded. After all this time, he never realized how badly he needed to hear that. He had blamed himself. He had been there when Simon died, and he didn't do anything about it. But perhaps Piggy was right. What could they have done? He thought about Simon, and tried to imagine what the soulful boy would say if he could see them now.

"Can I give you a hug?" Simon's mom asked Ralph as the brunette boy cried in front of her. Ralph nodded, and his father let him go so he could go to Rachel.

Ralph's parents gathered all his things in their arms and brought them into the hallway outside the room.

"Thank you for taking care of him over the years" Simon's mother whispered to Ralph as she held him. He nodded against her shoulder, letting the tears he'd held back for his friend finally flow through him.

Later that night, Ralph stood in his bedroom after his parents had already gone to sleep. He stared at the bed. He hadn't slept in it once since he got home. He'd sit on it and play his nintendo every now and again, but for the most part, he'd left it alone after the sun went down. He wondered if any of the other boys were also turned off by the prospect of sleeping on a mattress after being used to sleeping on the cold ground for so long.

With that, Ralph pulled his lightest blanket off the bed and crawled up on the floor with it. He never used a pillow; the ones on his bed were cold as winter by now. Ralph closed his eyes as he tried hard to keep Jack, Simon, Piggy, and the island out of his mind while he tried to drift off. The thought of having another dream about them or the island was enough to keep Ralph awake all night.