LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 64

"I'm not gonna say it" Jack Merridew firmly decided, his good arm folded over the sling that safely held his injured one.

"You have to say something" Ralph hopefully pleaded. He stood at the counter, in front of the kitchen sink, hovering over it slightly, hands folded above it, eyes intently on Jack.

The older boy dropped his head where he sat on a barstool on other side of the tall counter. He ran his hands through his disheveled blond hair as he shamefully hid his face from Ralph's view.

"Why was this so much easier for you?" Jack finally lifted his head to raise the vague question.

"What are you talking about?"

"You watched me date Emma Grandin; had a front row seat to it. I took dating advice from your dad, you let me bring her to the summer festival for Christ's sake. And you stayed with me, held me, kissed me, touched me, knowing I had a more formal relationship with her than I did with you. How? How the fuck did you sleep at night knowing that every time I went back home to Dalton, I was going back to her? Seriously, how? You want me to admit that I can't handle some loathsome brat pawning after you while you barely bat a fucking eye when I made a full blown commitment to someone else? You want me to admit that I'm so jealous and possessive that I can't manage my anger around anyone I feel threatened by? Huh? Is that what you want, Ralph? Is it?"

Ralph stared with a wide-eyed but otherwise blank expression at Jack as the other began to unravel, his voice rising slowly in volume and intensity with each vulnerable word he spoke.

"Wow" Ralph responded after taking a moment to sit with the outpour of information. He watched as Jack's expression changed from heated to seemingly self-conscious.

"Wow what?" Jack questioned hotly.

"I just wasn't expecting that" Ralph admitted simply as he mindlessly twiddled this thumbs. He took a deep breath before speaking again. "Okay... you want the truth?" he asked calmly.

"Goddamn it, Ralph" Jack snapped impatiently, "whatever you're trying to say, just say it."

"I never slept" the younger boy blatantly confessed.

"What?"

"When you were with Emma" Ralph clarified. "I never slept, not before spending restless hours wondering if you were with her; holding her, kissing her, touching her the way you touch me. You honestly think it was easy for me, Jack? Just because I have a better handle on my negative feelings than you do?"

"Whoa whoa whoa" Jack cut in defensively. "What the hell makes you think I can't handle my own feelings?"

"Well, this thing with Bella for one" Ralph responded simply.

"And for two?" Jack daringly challenged him.

"There doesn't need to be two right now" Ralph safely decided. "My point is that it wasn't any easier for me than this is for you. Harder, I'd imagine, because you were actually dating Emma, as you already said. But you can't just lash out every time someone pisses you off or rubs you the wrong way, Jack. You jumped down my throat last night after Henry and Bella left. You acted like I was having some secret affair with her or something. That's not fair. I told you I don't feel that way about her and I meant it. How could I even consider looking at someone else when I have you? You think I'm wasting the day away at school, milking off all the girls who are a little flirtatious with me? Because I'm not. I'm impatiently watching the clock in anticipation of getting the hell out of there so I can come back here to you. This is the only place I want to be, Jack."

"Your house?" Jack questioned the literal meaning of the brunette's words to minimize the tension.

"No, stupid" Ralph rolled his eyes, "wherever the hell you are. That's where I wanna be."

Jack took a deep breath in and out as he realized the truth behind Ralph's words. Ralph was nothing if not loyal, devoted, strictly and obsessively in love with him. And it was never Ralph that Jack had doubted. It was Bella and girls like her he couldn't trust. Ralph was often too blind and innocent when it came to girls. He might really go on what Bella would consider to be a date and not have a hot clue that she thought it to be anything more than a study session. Jack couldn't always be there to protect them and their relationship, just like Ralph couldn't always be there to protect him from injury. Somehow, they'd both have to find a way to trust each other to protect themselves in each other's absence. There would be no way around it.

"I know that" Jack struggled to admit. "It's not you I don't trust" he added as he slowly slid off the stool and onto his good leg before slightly limping to the other side of the counter to join Ralph.

Ralph smiled warmly the way he always did when Jack approached him, stopping dangerously close to him, taking him in his embrace. Ralph felt his heartbeat pick up as Jack laced his good arm around Ralph's back to draw them closer together. They rested their foreheads against each other's, basking in the arousal of their overwhelming closeness.

"I'm the only one you have to trust" Ralph softly assured him, his warm breath hitting Jack's face.

"It isn't that simple" Jack regretfully countered. "But I guess I have no choice, do I?"

"Not really" Ralph agreed, "I imagine there will always be girls. We gotta figure a way to accept that if we're not willing to be honest about this."

"Honest in what way?" Jack questioned.

"I mean, we either tell people we're together or we deal with the reality that other people are gonna treat us like we aren't" Ralph clarified.

"Fuck reality" Jack sneered bitterly.

"It's part of life, you know" the younger pointed out.

"It wasn't always" Jack turned his head in an effort to see anything but the look on Ralph's face. He wasn't sure what he was expecting of the brunette, or if he even pick up on what Jack meant at all.

But if Ralph did pick it up, he didn't say it. He simply brought a hand up to push the loose strands of blond hair off of Jack's forehead and rubbed at the boy's bare chest with the other. Jack sunk into the touch, simultaneously embracing it and cursing himself for enjoying it so much.

The boys jumped apart, startled, when Jeffery cleared his throat as he entered the room from the hallway. He passed through the living room to join the bright-red-faced boys in the kitchen.

"Ralph, time to get ready for school. Bus will be here in less than half an hour" Jeffery reminded his son as he checked the time on his watch; it was 0713 hours and Ralph was going to miss the bus if he didn't hurry along.

"On it" Ralph answered disinterestedly as he kept his eyes intently on Jack's deep blue ones. Eventually, Jack broke from the gaze in order to ensure the brunette would move to go get himself together.

"And Jack, your math teacher sent over your lesson for today last night so you'll have to get started on that sooner rather than later. I expect you to have everything done by the time Ralph's home this afternoon or it'll be a pretty dull evening for the both of you" the man added as he prepped the coffee pot.

"I'll get it done" Jack turned to look at Jeffery for a split moment before he departed from the kitchen. Ralph filed out behind him, avoiding the possibility that his father might question him about the compromising position the boys were caught in.

Ralph considered the complexity other people, especially girls, added to his and Jack's less than public relationship. It was just another obstacle in the way of pure bliss; an issue that could come up time and time again. He hadn't said it but he was still trying to make peace with Jack's decision to get involved with Emma, as far past it as they might be now. Jack too would have to find a way to make peace with the fact that girls might be attracted to Ralph, even if it went unrequited. Fending off their advances would just be part of the job description so long as their relationship was kept secret from their friends and classmates at school. Perhaps, that was something they could reconsider. Ralph was uneasy about the prospect of talking to Jack about it, but as his mother always said "you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take." The only question looming in Ralph's mind was whether or not this was a shot worth taking.