LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 30

Ralph started to spiral the way Jack spiraled when he first got to the Langley house that night. Jack broke up with Emma. Did that really change everything? Anything? He was beginning to feel overwhelmed with emotion, and with uncertainty. He couldn't figure out what the right thing to do or think was. But perhaps, maybe he could stand to be a little more like Jack. Maybe he could spend less time worrying about doing and thinking the right thing, and more time doing and thinking what felt right.

"When?" Ralph asked faintly after a moment or two of tense and heavy silence.

"Before the dance" Jack began. "We were about to go in, and I looked at her. She was so pretty, in a dress that hugged her body perfectly, her curly hair up in a ponytail with a flower, her skin smooth and smelt like daisies and lavender... and I felt nothing. It should've been this perfect storybook moment, but all I could think about was how I'd rather be here playing video games in my pyjamas, and eating fruit with you; both of us looking like we hadn't changed in days; like we did the summer before the island... and I just couldn't do it anymore."

"So you just left?" Ralph judged.

"Sort of" Jack shrugged. "I told 'er I was sorry, but I just didn't want to force it anymore. She wasn't exactly surprised, she knew something was up with me long before tonight. She was always asking if I was okay, like all the time. Truth was, I hadn't been since I met 'er. I just couldn't pretend anymore."

"Does she know—"

"About you? No. I don't know what's gonna happen with her and I at school and stuff, so I thought it'd be better not to say anything in case she reacts in the weird, dramatic way girls do" Jack admitted.

"And pits the whole school against you?" Ralph insinuated.

"Exactly."

"Sucks when someone does that to you" Ralph pressed his lips together tightly, tensely.

Jack diverted his gaze out of discomfort. He had nothing to say. There wasn't a single word that would've done either of them any good right now. When matters of the island came up between himself and Ralph, Jack thought it best to just prevent the conversation from the inevitable escalation that was bound to occur.

A heavy tension hung in the air between the two boys as the moment slowly and painfully passed. Jack stared intently down at his shoes as he waited for Ralph to change the subject.

"Just because you broke up with Emma, doesn't mean that we can... y'know, go back to doing what we were doing. I meant it when I said I don't want to be your secret anymore" Ralph broke the silence to say.

Jack had lifted his head to look at Ralph as he spoke. He nodded, dropping his head when Ralph finished. He was strong, confident, unbreakable. At least, he thought he was until now. He felt tears fall from his eyes; just another thing he had to try to control. Deep down, all Jack Merridew wanted to do was scream, cry, smash things, dismantle his entire life in a few rage-induced seconds. He hated himself, he hated his life, and he hated that he lost Ralph trying to live up to standards that didn't even matter.

"Jack?" Ralph spoke up when Jack failed to respond. "Did you hear me?"

Jack nodded, keeping his head down as the tears flowed down his pale, sticky face. Ralph's heart fell as he watched. He didn't know what to do; maybe he too was trying to be something he wasn't. Why should it be this hard to walk away from Jack; to do what was best for himself?

But was it really what was best?

"I should go" Jack decided, facing away from Ralph as he set down his water glass and made his way to the door. He needed to get away from here, and away from Ralph, even if that isn't what he wanted.