Please don't say you love me (Tom Hiddleston Fanfic)

Together

Together was exactly how we did it. Over the following days and weeks, somehow, we managed. We planned, we made phone calls, we cried, we laughed, we wrapped ourselves in blankets that still smelled like them. We fell asleep on couches, and never strayed far from each other. Shauna offered my hotel room to Henry but he refused. He played catch with my nephews, ran on the oval with them, took them for walks around the bushland near our house and explored the world my sister and I had been raised in. He was in every sense of the world, a lifesaver.

Somehow the information got back to LA. Messages came through almost daily. Outpourings of love and affection. Two-word messages consisting of "love, always." Or just a simple love heart sent a wave of nausea, fear, sadness and overwhelming appreciation spreading through me every single time. We were given endless home cooked meals, pastas and curries and shepherds pies. We never needed to cook, or even think about cooking. For weeks our little family hid away in the confines of our parents' home, soaking in every essence of them, suspended in time, while the rest of the world kept turning like nothing had changed.
Except everything had changed for us.

It didn't strike me as odd that I hadn't heard from Tom until there was a knock on our front door the morning of the funeral. I'd managed to be so composed about the whole thing, right up until that moment.
"Hey Skippy."
He'd barely had a chance to get the words out when I was wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my head into his chest.
"I can't believe you're here," I said after a minute, tears stinging my eyes as I stepped back and looked to each of the three standing behind Chris. Scarlet, Chris H and Robert were all dressed in their finest black outfits and were looking every bit the band of saviours, I knew they were.
"How are you guys even here?" I choked, hugging each of them in turn.
"A certain magician may have been keeping us in the loop," Robert said, letting his hands come to rest on my shoulders as I swiped at a stray tear.

As fate would have it, Henry rounded the corner at that moment, pulling on his jacket and offering the four a sombre smile.
"Glad to see you could make it out," he said greeting each of them with a handshake.
"Nowhere else we'd rather be," Hemsworth said with a sad smile.
I turned back to see Haley standing in the hallway with a mildly dumbstruck look on her face.
"Wow," she whispered as she came to stand beside me.
"Guys, I want you to meet my sister, Haley."
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Chris E offered her a smile, "though I really wish it was under different circumstances."
Haley linked her arm with mine, "me too. Believe me. Me too."

And so we piled into various cars, my sister, her husband, children, Henry and I all riding together whilst Shauna went with the others to the funeral home. Everything was silent on our ride over. I barely had the energy to drag my eyes up from where I sat playing with the folded piece of paper that held my eulogy for them both. Haley and I had agonised over it and she had told me we'd read it together, though as the time was drawing painfully closer and closer I didn't feel like my voice was actually going to work.

As the car rounded the corner and pulled into the carpark, I felt the all too familiar pull of fear start to take hold. My stomach was clenching so tight I thought I might vomit and it took everything inside of me to unclip my seatbelt and climb out of the car.
One step at a time.
Just one step at a time.
I stopped at the sight of the two hearses standing side by side.
My hand flew to my chest, another wave of nausea taking over as I looked at the perfectly polished vehicles.

"Hey," Henry's hand found mine, "it's okay."
I shook my head, tears spilling over my eyes as I tried desperately to breathe.
"It's okay."
"The coffins aren't big enough," I whispered. I knew it didn't make sense, I knew it was panic, fear, but in that moment, it was my truth.
"Ava..."
"Their coffins aren't big enough, Henry!" I rounded on him, "look at them. They're tiny. My parents weren't tiny... they can't fit in there. Those coffins... they're..."
Before the panic could rise fully though he had me wrapped in his arms. His body rigid against me as I melted into him. Fresh tears flooding out of me as I clutched desperately to his suit jacket.

"I can't do this, Henry."
He rubbed my back slowly, his chin resting on the top of my head before he whispered simply, "You can."
I pulled back to look at him, shaking my head.
"You can, Ava. And I won't leave your side until it's over."
And that's exactly what he did.

We walked behind the cars, Henry holding my hand, my sister on the other side, flanked by her husband and the kids. It felt unreal, felt like some awful nightmare. But I was grateful that I was facing that nightmare with them by my side.

Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes as we walked. The sea of people that met us at the funeral home was overwhelming. A true testament to the lives my parents had lived and the love they had doled out so willingly to so many. Somehow amongst the throng of people I managed to find the two Chris', Scarlet, Robert and Shauna standing off to the side, sunglasses on and heads bowed. As we passed, they fell into step behind us and were never far from where I was for the rest of the ceremony.
The coffins were taken inside and everything from there seemed to happen of its own accord. I vaguely remember standing in front of everyone, eyes blurred by tears as I fumbled my way through the eulogy, smiling remarkably easily when everyone laughed at the jokes my parents shared. It made my chest ache and a gaping pit open in my stomach, but once it was done, I felt just that little bit lighter.

The rest of the day went exactly as expected. People hugged us, they cried, we thanked them for coming and by the time we got back to the house everyone looked thoroughly worn out.

It was only once I had had a chance to shower and found myself sitting outside in the cool night air that the realisation hit me. I hadn't heard from Tom at all. Not once. Not today or for the past few weeks I'd been in Australia. I glanced at my phone, messages of support and love from old friends and family, but his name was nowhere to be seen. I pulled my legs up to my chest and revelled in the cool breeze on my cheeks. It was a welcome change from the funeral home and as devastating and exhausting as today had been, it was exactly what we needed to say goodbye properly.

"Mind if I join you?" Robert came out, flopping down in the swinging chair across from mine.
"Of course," I offered him a sad smile before falling into a comfortable silence.
That was one of the many things I loved about Robert, he never minced words and always knew when silence was better than any spoken word.
I waited a beat, steeling my nerves before asking simply, "why didn't he come?"
He closed his eyes for a moment, sucking in a deep breath before turning to face me, "I don't know."
I nodded, letting my head fall back against the wooden backrest.
"We told him," Evans' voice came from the doorway, "we told him we were coming and that the funeral was today."
I closed my eyes letting the words wash over me.
"But he chose not to come..."
Their silence was deafening.
"I'm sorry, Skip."

Maybe it was the fact that neither one of them said anything further, or maybe it was just the simple fact I was so beyond exhausted at that moment, but whatever it was, I didn't care. I didn't have it in me to be angry or upset or anything at all. I was simply, numb.
I slowly stood from my seat, stopping it from swinging beneath me as I looked up to the clear night sky.
"I'm going to bed."
And without another word, I shuffled silently past Chris, smiling half-heartedly as his hand touched mine and made my way off to my bedroom.