Nova Grace

27

Chapter 27| Reunion

"And I, I'm in love
But not with anybody else
Just wanna get to know myself"

— my future, Billie Eilish

𑁍Nova𑁍
Last day

My last week flew faster than I could've imagined.

Even though we didn't have much entertainment, between individual and group therapy, outdoor sessions and exercises and meditation...I was drained by the end of the day, the next one coming way too soon 

But I'm excited to go home, a little nervous too. I was really worried that my discharge day was going to be pushed back.

On Monday, I had a really bad day. I didn't know why I went to bed and woke up feeling as bad as I did. At first I stayed in bed for a bit, trying to  understand what I was feeling so I could work on it

I thought maybe it was anxiety, but I also had this big feeling in my chest, too big not to be something other than anxiety

Like a weight pressing down on me, the size of a mountain. I've felt it before, but I only went downhill after it. This time I was able to get back up after some...time

It didn't feel like I'd get through it at the moment. When one of the nurses came to get me I was just laying there, lights off, covers up to my chin and tears silently running down my face

I had a big lump in my throat, my body felt cold and shaky. I had no control, no connection between mind and body. My mind was trying to just shut down, shove all the pain away.

But my body was too wired, like a...fight or flight reaction but with no energy to act on that need to run away from everything and everyone

So I cried, and cried until Victoria managed to calm me down. Talk me through those feelings and help me breathe until I felt in control of myself again after hours of wanting to disappear

Until I could move, just a little, to put both my hands over my heart. I took deep breaths — half sobs — and closed my eyes trying and trying to fight and not let that pain and terror consume me

One of our meditation instructors came in too, she works in acupuncture. Studied for three years overseas to learn everything about the human body and how to naturally heal it

She walked me through it too, while I cried she helped me connect with myself. To focus on the fact that my body is my own, that I was safe and that those phantom hands I felt prying it open, bruising and tearing me apart were not really there

Just memories, painful memories I'm learning to heal

I thought they'd come in and drag me out of bed, yell at me for trying to get out of group painting class or something. But they didn't, they were all patient and understanding and that was all I needed

It was hard, even blinking felt like the hardest task. Every breath I took was a struggle for three days, but each one better than the last.

I'm fucking proud of myself for getting back up in every sense. It's not gonna be easy, though they've adjusted my medication it's not a magical thing. I have to put my grain of sand...or buckets of it